Finally, I have surrendered enough, gotten desperate enough I suppose, to realize that I want Christ and Christ alone! My way of living, trying to please, figure out what others expect, even what God expects of me without knowing the full truth of His Word, only parts or at the very least only thinking that some of the parts apply to me. I know that sounds arrogant and truly I am realizing just how full of pride I have been and am. I have talked about it often enough, that low self-esteem is a form or pride, that insecurity is a relying upon myself and my works, but it was as if I only saw through the mirror dimly, so to speak. God is in His faithfulness, His grace and mercy just kept chipping away at my defenses, at my misconceptions, at the ways that I have adjusted to cope with life the way it has been for me, at the hard-headed stubborn pride that has kept me from enjoying the fullness of His abundant life! Praise God, He has continued to pursue me. He has never let me go, though I have pushed and prodded and tried in every way to do this life on my one, all the time thinking that I wanted His ways. Well, I did want His ways; however I wanted His ways to be my ways! Does this make sense to anyone? No more! I want His will and His way in me and when I fall back into old habits I trust Him to remind me once again!
During a sermon my pastor pointed out what should have been obvious I suppose when he said something to the effect of when you go to a funeral is there any life in the body of the one who passed? Do you expect the person to get up and live life again? No! That person is dead. Dead means no life! None at all! I truly got it that first time, the reality that IN CHRIST, THE OLD TAMMY HAS PASSED AWAY, SHE DIED! To try to live life in the old ways, the ways that I would have before Christ, in intense fear, constantly sure I did something wrong or that if anything went wrong I must have caused it, afraid of the dark, convinced I was bad or unable to measure up to a standard that was in front of me, or at the very least one that I perceived was there. I have believed partial truths for years! Why??? Well, it goes back to the fact that I haven't 'eaten God's Word' and allowed it to be the determining factor of what I think about and believe!
This is huge! Get this with me! I can do nothing without Christ! I am nothing without Christ! My righteous acts are as filthy rags! I have been reconciled with God through the blood of Christ and His death on the cross (Col. 1:20) to 'present me holy, faultless, and blameless before God' (vs. 22) Why? 'To make known the glorious wealth of Christ in me, the Hope of Glory!' (vs. 27) Me, people! You! do you see how huge this is! This is the victorious life we have been wanting to live! Mine all along and yet I have spent so much time sure that I needed to do more; oh I had the right answers in my head but in my heart I was convinced that I should do better, after all I know Christ and He has saved me, that much I knew! What I didn't grasp was the ability we have to walk daily in the LIFE OF CHRIST! Nothing is about me! Believe me this is a battle that apparently I am going to fight for years if not my lifetime, however the more I get into His Word and BELIEVE AND TRUST THE TRUTH OF IT, OF GOD that more I walk in the victory, in the fullness of LIFE THAT CHRIST HAS FOR ME!!!
In Classic Christianity, Bob George says, "Salvation is our being made into a new creation, like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. We were once sinners, but through spiritual birth God has transformed us into saints. We have a brand-new identity. We may do sinful things, but we will never be sinners again--just like the butterfly may crawl around with the worms, but it will never be a worm again." THIS HAS BEEN ME!!! I HAVE KNOWN I HAVE BEEN A BUTTERFLY (NEW IN CHRIST) FOR YEARS, TRULY KNOWN, CHANGED; HOWEVER I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO LIVE LIKE A WORM!!! N O M O R E ! ! !
Randomly enough, as I was taking a walk through the woods one day this summer I saw this butterfly. Well I had been praying as I walked a long and I walked up on this butterfly. Instead of flying far a way it kept fluttering around by me, even landing to where I could get close several times for a picture. Then as I walked on it was like this butterfly was going on the walk with me! For a few hundred yards it kept being right there with me! Isn't it beautiful?
I truly felt in that moment as if God was telling me, Tammy, you are new, you are beautiful and you can fly freely with me. Trust me! It would take too many words to share the intensity of that moment for me, but I know that this Journey His Way is one that is meant to be walked in the complete abandon, trusting that He is in control and that He has me no matter what! I am so grateful that He loves me so much that He is willing to continually remind me of this because so often I slip back into the old habits, of thinking I don't measure up, that I am not good enough, that I am stupid and ugly or that I should just get over myself and straighten up! This isn't something special just for me! You can walk in this freedom to; the catch is that no one else can do it for you! No one else can 'fix' you, 'convince' you and or 'transform' you other that Christ Himself and you have to get to the place that you are truly willing to submit and surrender to Him! Ask Him for the strength and courage to surrender He will even provide that! Remember we can do nothing without Him! He provides everything we need even beyond what we can grasp! I want HIM! ALL OF HIM! Do you? Will you allow Him to have His way in you? Trust me it is a moment by moment process, it can hurt like crazy, but OH THE JOY, THE PEACE, THE FREEDOM, THE HOPE surpasses anything I have ever known! GOD IS SO GOOD!!!
Father God, thank You for providing Jesus so that I am 'no longer darkness, but now I am light in the Lord' (Eph. 5:8) and that I can 'walk as a child of Light'! Thank You that I am a butterfly, a new creation. Forgive me, Lord, for spending so much time trying to be a worm again! For living as if being a worm is the reality rather than a butterfly! I praise You, Jesus, for it is Your Work on the cross, the shedding of Your blood, the death of Your body and the fact that You rose from the dead for me that allows me to live this life as Your child! I am Yours! Please God so many of us struggle with this life, with depression, anxiety, fear, worry, etc... may we have Your strength and Your wisdom to exchange the lies for YOUR TRUTH! Open the eyes of our understanding, Lord! Thank You that You brought salvation and reconciled us to Your Father, to our Father! Jesus, help us, give us (James 4:6-7) grace to be humble, to submit to You, God, and resist the enemy. You promise that he has to flee when we do. Help us to determine to draw near to You, God, for in Your gracious love and goodness You say You will draw near to us! You do, I know this because I know You!!!
It is our choice. What is your choice going to be?
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