A 'dirty' word...depression

On this Journey His Way, I am discovering that though often times I find myself in situations I would never choose I am more and more thankful to be a Christ Follower and know that He is sovereign.  In trying to decide where to begin this story of my journey I find that I must start with the word depression. Although, I am learning that this word does not define me...the effects of it have consumed me for many years.  For those of you who know me at all, you know that my heart's desire has been to follow after Christ, to know Him intimately and to live that in front of my husband and my children...you will also know what a struggle it has been and is for me to stay out of the pit of depression.  I have recently discovered by the grace of God and help from some of His servants that I have chronic recurrent major depressive disorder and ADHD.

Well, I am not a big proponent of labels but discovering that there is a reason behind this unbelievably tough battle in my life and that it is mainly a physical battle not a spiritual one has set me free.  I will share more details at another time.  As a believer I had bought the lie I just needed to pray more, read the Word more, seek God more, etc...and I would be healthy emotionally.  I had no problem with others taking medicine to help them but I was fully convinced that I was doing something wrong and that I needed to get it together, confess it, have faith and let God work.  I have heard many well meaning people over the years tell me their opinions on depression, or expect me to simply get up dust myself off and get busy for God.  Well, I am here to tell you, that while God often revealed Himself and I am grateful, He did not remove this thorn of clinical depression.  I need medicine in the same way a diabetic needs medicine when their pancreas does not produce enough insulin though mine is hormonal and from the pituitary gland.  Some of you already know this, but do you know the difference?  If a diabetic's sugar runs in the 400s they will be very ill and possibly hospitalized, but for me to be very ill may mean the inability to participate with others, to get up off my couch, make what should be simple decisions...this is not easily accepted by those who have no understanding of the debilitating nature of clinical depression.  If not expected by someone else to just get up and get over it, I have certainly expected it of myself.  I have no doubt that my God is a God Who Heals, I just know that for me He has chosen to use medicine to do it to this point.  I say all of this for the mere fact that the body of believers, the church, has an expectation that is often very harmful to someone who is struggling in this way.

Depression is not a bad word, nor is it a sin.  I may chose to sin while in a depressed state but being sad, or burdened is not in itself sin.  I would have argued differently.  I fully believed that I was broken beyond being fixed. That I wasn't confessing enough, doing enough, being enough... no matter what...never enough.  The despair has taken me to places I never would have thought I would go, nor would I have believed a Christ follower could go.  I now state emphatically, that not only can a Christ follower be in the pits of despair and consider ending life on multiple occasions, but I was there with God.  He never ever left me...He is faithful, He never gave up on me, though I gave up on myself.  Do you see how huge this is?  There are so many people I know personally who are trapped in this pit and no I do not think that medicine is the cure all, what I do know is that there is nothing wrong with being honest and saying that I am hurting, that I need help and that if medicine is part of God's answer then I will accept it.  Medicine allows my body to have the balance of hormones that I need and then I have a clear mind to see what God has for me.  My job is to focus on Christ...to exchange His truth for the lies that I have believed though many are deeply ingrained and certainly 'feel' like truth they are lies nonetheless.  I refuse to cower in the corner any longer convinced that my depression defines me...I want to proclaim to others that there is hope and it is found in Christ.  He will lead you out of the pit of depression...be willing to get help...and seek it until you find someone who understands.  If God chooses to heal You divinely, awesome!  If not and He uses medicine, awesome!

God has been revealing to me over and over and over...I am a slow learner ;-)  To be still, cease striving, stop fighting...He is God.  Psalm 46:10.  For me this is an internal striving, a fighting to fix myself...to over think and try.  To meet expectations I would never place on someone else, to try to please people.  I know the right words to say, or the image to present when inside I am undone.  Oh, God show me how to cease striving on a moment by moment basis.  To truly trust You with all of me and all that I hold dear.

There is so much more I cannot wait to share but I figure it is enough for now!!!  Thank you for your time!