An Ongoing Battle

Expressions of emotion.  Sadness.  Happiness.  Joy.  Pain.  Tears.  Laughter.  Words.  Body language. Anger.  Fear.  Worry.  Peace.  Forgiveness.  Hope.

I find myself in an intense battle.  A painful battle.  A battle to forgive.  Knowing I have been forgiven much therefore I must forgive.  Colossians 3:13, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I must chose.  Sometimes it kind of hacks me off that I must always have a part in this...sometimes I just really wish God would do the work of choosing for me!  I have only been hurting myself and those I love by not forgiving.  Not really forgiving.  How do I know I haven't forgiven?  The emotions are just too big, too raw.  I am not exactly sure how to be anything but angry...to face the fact the the anger is hiding hurt and sadness.  Real emotion, real grief.  Injustice, abuse. I need to allow myself to face these feelings instead of hiding behind a mask of anger or of apathy. This morning, I have been blessed by the Lord, to have been able to sit down and face the pain rather than hide from it.  Fun? No, but very big relief.  A burden casted.  He is able to handle all of me and all of my stuff.  The issue is determining boundaries that are based on healthy emotions rather than hurt ones.  Boundaries are healthy, boundaries are necessary.  Yet, I do not have to figure this out.  I can trust God to lead, to make the pain useful, to draw me to Himself.

I can stay angry and offended, whether it be for me or for someone I love or I can choose to trust God to be faithful and just.  To know that He loves me and that He wants me to be healthy and whole.  Not fragmented and unforgiving.  You know we all have issues in our lives.  Perhaps some more than others.  We all have people who hurt us...again some more than others or even more often than others.    But I find that in order to truly be healed and healthy on this Journey His Way, I must really trust Him to handle it all for me.  Obviously I am in process, I would like it to be instantaneous but it just isn't.  I do not know about you, but I am extremely opinionated and I am more willing to confront an issue these days than I am to try to 'sweep it under the rug' so to speak.  The problem is that in confronting I tend to try to be in control rather than wait for God in His timing.  Or if I have confronted the issue often then I tend to want to quit.  He is teaching me.  He is getting my attention.  He is so good to never tire of teaching me.  Of walking with me.  Of holding my hand or even picking me up in to His arms, to soothe the hurt, to comfort and calm.  He will never give up and just allow me to stay in a place that is harmful to me, He cares too much.  I am beyond grateful.

I am very slowly learning that forgiveness is a process.  One that I have begun many times, in many ways before, a process that changes me.  A process that sets me free from the things and people I have allowed to hold me captive by not truly releasing them and their actions toward me.  A process of being determined that because God told me I must forgive, I will.  Oh, I have so much to learn.  His grace is sufficient, though.  2 Corinthians 12:9.   He promises to provide the strength.  To be weak is good, it is a set up for His power to be displayed.  So often I have chosen my own way, convinced that to forgive meant to excuse.  To forgive, truly forgive, meant to give them power over me once again.  When the truth is that I have given them them power over me when I chose to not forgive, to allow resentment and anger to build.  To wall myself up from others in case they chose to hurt me in similar ways.  I have missed out on much God has for me but I am holding on to His promises that if I am repentant, He will repay me for the 'years the locusts have eaten,' Joel 2:25  That I can 'be confident of this, that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion  until the day of Christ Jesus, Philippians 1:6.  And so many more.

God is so good.

Thank You, God, for never giving up on me.  For conviction and comfort from Your Holy Spirit.  That You love me too much to leave me in places of pain or distress.  That in that pain and distress You can get my attention like at no other time.  That You want my freedom, my life to be abundant for You, not pain free but purposeful.  That You came to set the captives free (Isaiah 42:7, 9).  You came, Jesus, to set me free.  I am so unworthy.  Forgive me for throwing Your mercy and grace back into Your face by being judgmental and unforgiving.  Forgive me for taking Your forgiveness for granted and running from the forgiveness You tell me I must extend forgiveness, for my own benefit, for my health.  Please God, help me to continue to forgive, to release the resentment and to trust You to work.  May I stop fighting, stop trying so hard and simply be.  Truly be.  Thank You, Jesus, that I am never alone, that I do not have to perform or figure anything out...that I need to look to You and then trust You to work.