Complete randomness

Today is a day for random thoughts...

I am sure if you have read any of my stuff you are noticing a pattern.  With words like rest, be still, sadness, hurt, peace, joy, pain, burdens, process, journey, choose, weary, life and on and on.

Something that dawned on me today is that I need to be thankful to the Lord for His attempts to give me rest.  Instead of fighting this season, instead of allowing the guilt, the wonderings, the should(s), the what ifs take hold of me.  I have a terribly bad habit of second guessing my every move and every thought.  This is an exhausting process, one that the Lord is trying to set me free from at least a little at a time.  However I tend to fight Him.

So the word season.  You know as well as I do that seasons change, both in weather and in life.  God has called me to a season of rest, of release and boy is that hard for me.  Why?  I mean, it seems so foolish when I write it down, but that fact is that I tend to fight, to strive even when He, My Father in Heaven, has told me to rest.  That what I need may not be what someone else needs, but that is okay because He loves me just the same.

In the car today, God met me there.  I mean He is always with us I know, but He revealed Himself.  He is so good, isn't He!  I so didn't deserve to hear from Him, I was pouting.  I was sitting in self-imposed guilt.  Fear and hurt were consuming me rather than Him.  I mean I told Him about it, but I refused to really TELL HIM about it, instead I was choosing to run, choosing to agonize rather than release.  And still yet He made me aware of Him.  Now I am nothing special, but He sure is!  I am so thankful to be His.  Anyway, two different songs came on from my iPod.  Songs by the group
33 Miles called, "Calling My Name," and "Arms That Hold The Universe."  I just want to give you a part of the lyrics from the second song:

'The God of strength will never let you go
He will overcome I know

Chorus
And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging seas
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

So I am holding back here so as not to overwhelm anyone :-) but I had a jam session with the Lord, the opportunity to worship Him and He began the process of getting my eyes off myself.  I have inferred that I am a slow learner, well it's true, but He doesn't mind taking me through the process again and again.  Remember He doesn't get tired.  He doesn't feel like quitting.  He doesn't worry what others are thinking.  His emotions do not control Him.  Praise God, He is in control and not me! I do not need to fret and worry, though it does happen and He so graciously works me/walks me through it and if I am willing out of it.  Took Him longer today, unfortunately.  I had more trouble letting go.  But praise God He did get me out, today I am determined to stay out whereas yesterday I fell right back into to the worry and the unrest.  :-(  So frustrating!!!

I am so struggling with the principle of rest.  I am not good at it!  And yet God is so gracious to continue to try to teach me.  Be still, stop fighting, cease striving (Psalm 46:10).  So easy to write, but so hard to live.  I do not live in the moment very well.  Do you?  I was reminded today that this moment is what I am given and it is a gift.  God is giving me the opportunity to be in a season of rest and I am not being very grateful.  Forgive me, Lord.  I do want to rest, truly I want to learn.  Thank You for giving me opportunity after opportunity.  Forgive me for being discontent and for trying to force things that aren't of You.  For focusing once again on myself and my feelings.  Thank You for using music to get my attention.  For reminding me of the truth of Your Word.

I also got the spur of the moment opportunity to have lunch with my son and go to the bookstore.  This made my day so special.  God is stretching me.  Unfortunately I am very often inhibited and unwilling to do things on my own or at my own choosing.  Home is safe.  Making the effort to do something else is often hard for me.  Today, we went to a place for lunch that, no kidding, I have thought about trying for at least 10 years!!!  Yes, you read it correctly, ridiculous, huh?  If it weren't for my husband I would probably be a hermit, no kidding.

As I have gotten older I find that I have gotten more inhibited rather than less.  Why and why does it matter?  Because I have taken more responsibility on my shoulders, as if I am in control of anything anyway!  With being a wife, a mom, homeschooling, being a 'staff wife', a daughter, a friend, not too mention issues that crop up.  I had lost myself in my roles and in trying so hard to be what I called 'godly' I wore myself out and basically have been fighting legalism for years. Sometimes I have been aware and other times I just couldn't see it.  God is introducing me consistently to His grace.  I mean, I would be happy for you to have grace or experience grace, but I was convinced that God really didn't mean me.  I mean I know better, I should chose to do the right thing, etc... Lies.  Calculated, misleading and devastating.  Lies!

I recently read the book by Bob George called, "Classic Christianity."  This is an excellent read!  I actually got my own copy today at the book store!!!!!!  

One of the thoughts I recall from the book, I think, is that once we are 'saved' and become 'Christ-followers,' because we have recognized our sinfulness, our need of a Savior in Jesus, then we often fall into the trap of works.  We think we have to do more, be more, etc...  I did.  I still often do.  The church is often a place where we burn out because we think we have to work, work, work.  Yes, we want to serve once we are saved, but we do not need serve to be more saved...more spiritual...more loved by God.  This often causes a spiritually deadly game of comparison or of trying to meet others expectations, or at least what we assume their expectations are, among other things.  God's grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in weakness, 2 Corinthians 12:9.  He doesn't need my works, He wants my life.  He wants to be my Life!

WE ARE TOO BUSY DOING, RATHER THAN BEING.  I am not saying we need to sit still and do nothing, I am saying we need learn to be at rest internally and follow God's lead in the doing.  I am far from figuring this out, so I won't continue to try to explain something that I do not even comprehend.  Just food for thought, I guess.  The enemy wants us busy.  He wants us to do things in our own strength.  He knows that then we are powerless and we will fail to point others to Jesus.  We become ineffective.  

Told you, random ;-/

Father God, thank You that You are in control.  That You provide rest and then the strength to take the next step.  I thank You that though I am weak You are willing and able to use me for Your glory when I submit to You and Your will.  Please God, continue to reveal Yourself to us.  Help us to desire You more.  Thank You for never giving up on me.  Your faithfulness is amazing!  I so don't get it, but I am oh so grateful for it.  Please God take this rambling and reveal Yourself.  Thank You for reaching me. For lifting me out of the miry pit and placing my feet on solid ground.  Thank You for being my refuge and my stronghold.  I choose to delight in You.  I choose to seek You.  I chose to live in the moment.  Right now.  Again.  Thank You for the moments of victory, peace and joy.  Thank You for the moments of pain, heartache, sadness that force me to be dependent upon You.  I will rejoice in You!  I belong to You and I am so glad.  Thank You for putting up with me again and again and again.  I love You, God and I am beyond grateful to be loved!