A battle for contentment

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 
9)  He (Jesus) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  
10)  Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  

GRACE - God's unmerited favor; receiving what we do not deserve; to be in favor or find favor.

Weakness, check.  Infirmities (physical or mental weaknesses), check.  Take pleasure in my weaknesses, uh, no check.  Take pleasure in reproaches, needs, persecutions, distresses for Christ's sake, uh, again, no check.  Hmmm.  This is a cause for pondering for me.  I seem to be all about saying "Oh, yes, God I am weak, please take my weaknesses and make me strong with Your strength."  But when it comes to taking 'pleasure' in my weaknesses etc... I am far from the mark.

I do not know about you but I find myself often angry and frustrated with myself because of my weaknesses and distresses.  Now I know it says for Christ's sake and in thinking about it other than times when perhaps I am being deliberately disobedient wouldn't my life and all that it entails be for Christ's sake, as I am Christ's?  So I am convicted this morning.  I do not take pleasure or enjoyment out of anything that I consider negative, which is where I would have always placed the words and therefore the experiences of infirmities, reproaches, needs, persecutions, and distresses.  Honestly, have I really wanted or do I want to be strong with the power of Christ?  I would have said a quick and unqualified, 'Of course!' and yet when I look at these verses perhaps not.  Well, definitely not, at least not on a regular basis.

How much have I and do I want the power of Christ to rest on me?  Have I or do I want to experience His sufficient grace by acknowledging my weaknesses.  Wait, I think I acknowledge my weaknesses it is the fact that I don't move on to His sufficiency that is the problem.  Most often I still lean on my own understanding and my own strength.  I fight to be strong rather than recognize that I am weak.  I fight to be healthy rather than to recognize my infirmities.  I fight to not be needy but to meet the needs of others.  And on and on.  I am wrong.  I am disobedient.  I am missing out on His sufficiency.    I have experienced His grace over and over and His sufficiency in my salvation, but often in the throes of daily living it seems I am missing out mainly because of my lack of obedience.

Going along with this is, Philippians  4:11b , "For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."  Content - a state of satisfaction, of peaceful happiness, pleased.  Uh, again, no I am not content.  I am often too worried about my weaknesses, what others think, my distresses, my needs, etc.

Father God, forgive me for wanting to experience Your sufficient grace, but not being willing, not truly willing to obey You when it comes to being content where You have me, to being okay with my weakness in that they are a platform for Your strength and Your power to be revealed for Your sake and for Your glory.  I mean sometimes I am maybe but mostly I am just really wanting to be strong, to not be needy or have distress or experience these other things that thus far I have seen as a negative.  Change my heart and my attitude, Lord.  May I be thankful and glad that through my weakness You can reveal Yourself.  Show me what You want from me and help me to get my eyes off of myself and onto You.  I am not pleased, most often I am down on myself and frustrated and I am tired of it, but I need You to change me and help me to do my part.  I am most often weary and unthankful.  I find that to get through each day is a chore rather than a blessing from You and I am in need of Your strength to be renewed and to be restored.  I know that I do not have to rejoice in the actual weaknesses, but rather rejoice in You and the fact that You will work through them; however I do need to be thankful that I am weak.  I am struggling, here as I have said, Father.  I am not thankful to be weak I am still fighting and trying to figure out what You want from me and You continually say 'Be still and know that I am God' and 'wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord'.  I am struggling with both of these.  Forgive me and help me to submit.  I am struggling with thankfulness and contentment and yet I do not know what else to do other than to come to You and be honest about it.  You know it and I trust that You are at work and You want me to let go of this striving.  I get it, intellectually, but emotionally and practically I find myself right back in this same battle.  Please God, have Your way.  Please God, soften my heart.  Please God, allow me to hear Your voice and obey and let all the rest go.  I pray that You can You these ramblings for Your glory and to benefit someone else.  Protect them from anything that I could say or do that would be confusing and draw them to Yourself.