What a great word! I have had such a moment...the epiphanies that I experience however while sudden in their revelation have come often after months or even years of agonizing. I am in such a place today. God is so good to continually work and reveal to me what it is I need.
Yesterday, at the advice of a friend I watch a documentary and throughout this viewing, God revealed Himself to me as well as revealing myself to me. I sat through it and realized at one point that I am normal. Really??? My emotions, my feelings and my need to express them or the fact that I am at times overwhelmed by them simply means I am human and I am normal. I know, you probably know this already and while I do not know how you think, I know that I often try to hold myself to a standard of perfection (completely understanding that I am not perfect I still expect it) and I spend a whole lot of time beating myself up for things such as sadness, hurt or a mistake that I have made. I would not begin to expect you to not be sad or hurt or to not make mistakes but I do expect myself to just get over things or not be moved by them so when I am I would often be devastated by these feelings.
Okay here is one example. All three of my kids actually moved away this year - at the same time. I have been a stay-at-home mom and homeschool mom most of their growing up years. Now, while I am excited for them, while I know it is what God has for them, I have fought the emotions that this change of season has brought for me. I felt like I needed to just be happy, and while I have felt relieved over some of the change in my responsibilities I have not truly allowed myself to feel the emotions of sadness or the fact that I am overwhelmed with where all the time has gone, what is my purpose now, etc. Make any sense at all? I have instead analyzed myself, berated myself and focused on myself for other things avoiding the true reason for my emotion and in so doing made myself worse than if I would just take the time to be honest with myself and take it to the Lord. Why I do this is rooted in some coping mechanisms that I have spent years 'perfecting' and honestly they have failed me more than once!
Why? Because I have been asking God for years to change me from the inside out and to do this He must reveal to me all the things that I have been relying on rather than Him.
Here is another piece of hard, crusty clay He chipped off yesterday and is continuing to work on today (and beyond I am sure) - self-reliance or control. He revealed to me that I have been sitting and souring in sin. The sins of fear and anxiety, of self-reliance, of false expectations and beyond... Allowing sadness (for many reasons not just the one listed above) to become sin because I am sitting and soaking in it rather than casting it upon God and leaving it there. Oh, I am casting all right, but I continually find that I pick it back up - therefore; apparently I have some trust issues, huh? Yep, I do.
God has graciously revealed to me where I have once again bought the enemy's subtle lies and allowed them to become part of the fabric of my days. While I have 'depressive' tendencies and the label of ADHD this is not who I am. I had begun to believe it was. Foolishness, I know and boy, does it make me mad to realize how I have fallen for the tricks once again. The thing is I realize it again and I will not stay here in this place because God has revealed it and He will give me the strength to walk from it. Everything else is simply an excuse. I am really good at making excuses. Thankfully, God knows the truth and He does not accept my excuses and He knows that truly I want to be delivered and changed!
As I realized yesterday some of the sin that I had allowed myself to sit in, today God has shown me how to specifically stay away from it - to fight against it. I am not messed up or broken any more than anyone else is (I am simply human) and the fact is I AM REDEEMED and this is where I need to live and breathe!
In the book "The Grace of God" by Andy Stanley, he has been teaching on Rahab and her choices. The way she was able to walk away from her labels (In the book of Joshua). It is a process, a journey. I am on the same journey she was on, and I need to continually walk away from who I was before Christ and walk in the truth of who I am in Christ. The enemy does not want this. He wants to trap me in my 'stinking' thinking and make me believe that I am nothing, that I am not who God says I am.
Andy Stanley suggests this prayer as a way to continually renew our minds and recognize the truth of God in our lives daily... "Heavenly Father, I believe that Your grace is more powerful than my label. I believe that Christ died to pay the penalty for the sin my label represents. I believe You are offering me a new label. FORGIVEN. ACCEPTED. LOVED. Today I declare that what You say about me is true. I am forgiven. I am accepted. I am loved. Teach me to live my life in accordance with who You say I am. Amen."
Slowly, but surely God is changing me! Each epiphany gets me just that much further along in this Journey His Way. Truly, I want to walk it His way. I must admit. I must submit. I must commit.
Join me please...His Journey is the best journey!
Father God, I have said so much today already, but I find I still have words in me ;) Thank You for getting my attention and for releasing this burden and restoring my hope. Thank You that You love me so much that You are unwilling to leave me at anytime for any reason no matter how hard I push or how much I fight. Thank You for softening my heart and opening my eyes. May I walk in the truth of Your Word...that You forgive me, You accept me and You love me!!! God, I cannot say thank You enough. Please God continue to change my thinking and please continue to get my attention when I stray from Your truth. Thank You for Your provision. Your sufficiency. Thank You for You.
No comments:
Post a Comment