Forgetting and Pursuing?

Philippians 3:12-14
Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus.  Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus.  

The Lord has been reminding me of these verses in the past few days.  As a young person around 17 He first revealed Himself to me in these verses.  I held on to them for several years and then I think I just sort of moved on without really grasping that I needed to know what goal I was pursuing...I had focused on the 'forgetting part and the fact that heaven was my goal.  Wrongly, I might add.  I have missed out on living the abundant life Christ has for me here because of wrong focus!  Thankfully, I am more mature in many ways than I was at 17; however I find that in my supposed diligence to 'be godly' and 'be the 'best wife and mom' etc that I could be I had misplaced the goal that God has called me to.  The goal is found in verses 10 and 11 of chapter 13, 'I want to know Christ--yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow attaining to the resurrection from the dead.' 

Hold on as I get excited ;D

I am just now clearly seeing that I have spent years pursuing the wrong goals, though my heart's desire was right and was to be like Christ, I have been more focused on me!   I mean I have occasionally tried to pursue Christ, to know Him and the power of His resurrection, but more often than not I was concerned with what He could do for me to make me a better wife, mom, friend and on and on.  Praise God, He finally has my full attention!  Oh, I have a long way to go but finally I see that is what it means to BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD! Psalm 46:10. To know Him, period.  To be concerned with nothing but knowing Him.  (Now just because I say I see it does not mean I have the application down pat ;) I just know that I am to seek Him and He takes care of the rest!  He always has,  (I would state it with passion; however I did not live it with conviction!)  I have just made myself a 'basket case' trying to help Him!  Absurd!!!  Misplaced!!!  Ridiculous!!!

But Praise His Holy Name He is faithful, He is forgiving and He is pouring out His mercy and grace upon me!!!  He is at work and He has my attention in ways that He never has before!

Look at these verses with me...   Do I really want to know Christ?  Can I state, like Paul, that yes, I want to know the power of His resurrection?  Wait, there is more --  and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death.  What???  Here it is, if I want to know Christ, truly know Him in the power of His resurrection I must die to my sin in order to be alive in Christ, to be made new!  Bear with me here, I know without a shadow of doubt that I have been saved for many years; however the abundant life is what I have been missing in my pursuit of making every effort to be like Christ rather than surrendering and recognizing that He has hold of me and He will make me more like Him, not anything I can do or not do!!!  It is His work and His power, His suffering, His death and His resurrection that is allowing me to forget what is behind and pursue Him!  IS ANYBODY GETTING THIS WITH ME???  Praise God, His Truth is setting me free!!! (John 8:32)

I sit here and wonder at Paul, I mean he was instrumental in martyring Stephen, he pursued religion diligently but until he came face to face with Christ everything he did was in his own strength and misguided!  How did he forget?  How did he put all of these 'deeds' behind him?  Another one of my main issues has been to beat myself up, to insist that because I 'knew' better that I 'should' have been different!  Instead of receiving the gift of forgiveness, mercy and grace, I have continually tried reminding God of my faults, my failings and tried to be better!  Now, if you have read any of my previous blogs you know that 'I know better' ;)  I mean, I knew the Word, I knew it so far as I was happy to give you grace and you forgiveness, and mercy etc, but for myself, not so much!  I was and I am well aware that I can never measure up, that all my righteous acts are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6); however I have spent more time believing the lies of the enemy, being in bondage by my attempts to be godly that I have spent taking God at His Word, truly trusting Him!  He is so trustworthy!!!  In His mercy He has shown me this over and over and yet I threw it in His face so to speak by trying to 'do' this life on my own!!!

Forgive me God!  I am so sorry for the misplaced dedication, diligence and desire!  Thank You for opening my eyes for allowing me to finally see that I really can pursue You and You will take care of the rest.  I often said it, but only believed it in my head and not in my heart! I tried and did make this life so hard when You had shown me multiple times through the years that truly all I need is You! Please help me to keep my eyes on You, to chase after You as my goal in this race called life.  Help me, like Paul, to forget the things of my past, You have and change the way I live moment by moment by knowing You in the power of Your resurrection!  May I trust You more each day and when I fall remind me.  Help me not to fall back into old habits of beating myself up or setting up unrealistic expectations for myself.  Help me to trust You, truly trust You as You alone are completely and utterly trustworthy!  Thank You, Father, for refusing to leave me in the state of 'striving' for continually teaching me how to 'stop fighting' and 'be still and know that You are God.'  I know I have so far to go, but thank You for this joy, this peace, this hope that I have never experienced before; not like this!  Transform me in the day to day choices that I make.  Guide me and show me how to rest in trusting You but strive for You at the same time, to recognize You are holding me and You will never ever let go!  Forgive me, Jesus, for kicking so hard against You and at the same time begging You to help me! Help me to surrender in the day by day when You tell me to get up and go, may I listen and obey to You and You alone, not my own opinions, ideas or plans, but to You!  Please God get our attention!  May we stop giving in to the lies of the enemy, of thinking that the things of this world and even pleasing the people that we love is more important than pursuing You!  May we spend our energy focusing on You and trusting You to take care of the rest!  You will, I know it!  I have experienced it over and over!