You ever just wake up foul? I mean in a really bad mood and wearing your feelings on your sleeves and it seems the longer you fight it the madder you get? Just wondering because that is where I am this morning. I am just foul. I probably shouldn't even blog as my attitude is that bad. I have been trying to pray and reading the Word this morning but my attitude just keeps on building. Now, here is the thing I hope to accomplish with this transparent, irritating blog. I hope to walk with the Lord on the journey He has placed me on in His way and therefore I must share the good, the bad and the ugly. My life is often a roller coaster. I have more trouble with my emotions than I would even like to admit; however this seems to be my thorn, my opportunity to continue looking to the Lord, even when I just want to rail and scream at the injustice of my feelings! So if you don't want to be a part of this whine-fest I certainly understand, me either; but I am determined to go to the Lord and see what He will do. I am quite certain that I need to be smacked, my attitude is that bad, but I am sure that I need His grace, mercy and love as well and I am thankful that He doesn't response to me in the same way that I come to Him! So here we go...
Psalm 116
1) I love the LORD because He has heard my appeal for mercy.
2) Because He has turned His ear to me, I will call out to Him as long as I live.
3) The ropes of death were wrapped around me, and the torments of Sheol overcame me; I
encountered trouble and sorrow.
4) Then I called on the name of the LORD: 'LORD, save me!'
5) The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is compassionate.
6) The LORD guards the inexperienced; I was helpless, and He saved me.
7) Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
8) For You, LORD, rescued me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
9) I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
10) I believed when I said, 'I am severely afflicted.'
11) In my alarm I said, 'Everyone is a liar.'
12) How can I repeat the LORD all the good He has done for me?
13) I will take the cup of salvation and worship the LORD.
14) I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all His people.
15) The death of His faithful ones is valuable in the LORD's sight.
16) LORD, I am indeed Your servant; I am Your servant, the son of Your female servant. You
have loosened my bonds.
17) I will offer You a sacrifice of thanksgiving and will worship the LORD.
18) I will fulfill my vows to the LORD, in the very presence of all HIs people,
19) in the courts of the LORD's house--within you, Jerusalem. Hallelujah!
I began this Psalm thinking I would look at parts of it when the Lord had me continue to type it all out. I am not okay this morning. I am tearful, I am angry and I am frustrated because I am tearful and angry. The fact is the anger is directed at myself but it is wanting to lash out at whoever comes in my path. This is wrong and I know it, again, I am attempting to work through it. I am weary, I am tired and I need that rest that God provides. Psalm 43:5 covers it well, "WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED? WHY THIS TURMOIL WITHIN ME?" The rest of verse 5 tells me to 'put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.'
It all goes back to choices doesn't it? This makes me mad too! I am tired of trying to make the right choices and then being overwhelmed with this enormous weight of emotion from out of nowhere! The enemy knows that in this area is one of my greatest weaknesses and he is continually playing upon that fact. 1 Peter 5:6-11 gives me great hope. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." Okay so time to stop complaining, make a choice and apply what God says.
Father God, I come to You this morning, foul. That is the only way I know how to describe it. I am irritable and I want to be. Such a bad attitude and yet I don't want it at the same time; how do You deal with that. I am aggravated that I am aggravated and yet what sense does that make??? I want to know Why? I want to not be like this anymore! I am so tired of this up and down roller coaster of emotions and the lack of control that I seem to have. I am full of turmoil this morning and for what reason??? Help me to stop griping and turn to You. Help me to truly desire change despite how I feel this morning. I do not want to journey my way; I know Your way is better, but the fight this morning is big. Help me to surrender to You. Help me to submit the hurts - real and imagined. Help me to confess my part in the hurts, the lack of gratefulness and the discontent. God, help me to stop fighting, to stop resisting You and instead resist the enemy. I pray that in the Name of Jesus, You would bind him from being able to continue to whisper the lies in my mind. May I reject them and him. Forgive me for this anger, for this fight that is seemingly in control of me this morning. It angers me that my emotions are so big and that I have such trouble taking my thoughts captive. Help me to accept Your acceptance, Your love, Your mercy, Your grace and Your peace this morning, Lord. Forgive me for so often getting in Your way. Use me in spite of me; change me in spite of me. I do love You, Lord and I am thankful that You hear my appeal for mercy! Thank You for allowing me to call out to You in whatever shape I am in. I am in torment and I do not understand it but I declare that I trust You and that You will not leave me here in it. I will continue to call upon Your name and I know that You will save me! I am thankful that You have delivered my soul, that I have eternal life and even though this life is hard I have that promise to hold on to and wait for. I know You are gracious, righteous and compassionate; You would have to be to continually put up with me! I need help returning to Your rest; I need to be rescued from myself, from these bad habits and automatic responses that I have lived with for so long. I need You to give me Your eyes. I need to see myself as You do and also to quit focusing on myself! I so want to look to You and You alone. This battle is intense and I know that I am to be still, stop fighting and cease striving but all I know is that up until lately to fight for survival is what I have known. Help me to fight the right things, like the enemy, my mind and these tendencies rather than those around me or insist upon beating myself to a pulp. You, LORD, are so good to me! I know You have rescued me from death, my eyes from tears and my feet from stumbling and You will do so again. May I release it all to You. May I stop trying to figure 'it' out and trust; and rest. May I chose to worship You. May I chose to offer You a sacrifice of thanksgiving and let go of the 'feeling' that my offering is not worthy. I know I am not worthy in my own strength, but because of You, Jesus, my worth is determined forever. I can no longer be considered worthless, stupid, high-maintenance, ridiculous, too wordy, too detailed, slow, different, inept, or anything else negative that tries to rise up in my mind. I am accepted in the Beloved, in Jesus, Ephesians 1:6. I have been made righteous because, You, God have clothed me in Jesus' righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). I will praise You and thank You because You are love. You love me because of who You are not because of who I am. Help me to humble myself before You, truly, and cast all this care upon You. Help me to be sober and alert and able to resist the enemy by standing firm in my faith, by knowing the Truth of Your Word and allowing Your Truth to set me free (John 8:32). I thank You that You, Lord, will restore me, revive me and make me steadfast, firm and strong. Help me to get out of Your way so that You can have Your way in me, Lord. Please God, loose the chains that hold me captive, may I look to You and You alone for my hope.
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