So I have not 'blogged' in a while...since February actually. I can only say that it seems that my Father God had put a mute button on sharing my journey and today He has lifted it... at least for today. He is trying to teach me many things, one of which is true dependence and trust in Him. I am a long way from getting 'it' but today He is allowing me to share. He is trying to teach me to live in the moment...more difficult than I could have imagined - truly.
He reminded me once again this morning of a verse that He made so real to me in 1997. Acts 6:4 (NIV) "Give your attention to prayer and to the ministry of the Word." (NASB) "Devote yourself to prayer and to the ministry of the Word." (NKJV) "We will give ourselves continually to prayer and to the ministry of the Word."
I believe I have shared these verses before; however He has reminded me today that I am to do His will and not worry about what that looks like to anyone else or even to myself as my expectations of myself are way higher than anyone else even takes time to consider me. Does this make sense? I have been asked often in the last 10 months or so what brings me pleasure or what do I enjoy doing? Well, I enjoy praying for people and sharing the Word...now this does not make me 'super' spiritual or anything else, but I realized this morning that this does make me OBEDIENT!!! God has called me to this and the pure fact that it brings me pleasure is because He wants it! One of my biggest problems (and trust me there are many) is that I keep getting in His way.
I keep thinking that I need to do things like other people, that I need to serve, feel express, etc...the way others do...particularly in the church. Well, the fact is that through out my life God has never 'let' me be just like others - or at the very least - how I perceive them to be. I always think that I need to have an affinity for one group of people - kids, women, etc... but the fact is that God has made me with the ability to love all types of people of all ages and to not 'fit' into just one group. This has always bugged me because I thought something was wrong with me. I mean, why do I not enjoy doing the same thing week after week? Why do I connect with random people at random times? Why do I like to do things by myself? Why do I.... The obvious answer, but one I have not necessarily liked...Because this is how God has made me. I have had an 'ideal' in my mind of what it means to be a 'godly' wife, mom etc... and He is showing me that my ideals have caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and pain.
For some reason, God has allowed a season of depression like none other in my life. I have shared before that I have been diagnosed with chronic recurrent major depressive disorder and ADHD. WELL, HOOPDIDO!!! But for me it has been eye opening, humbling, a season of hurt, of discovering myself, of learning boundaries, of withdrawal and isolation, of help, of rest, of learning and on and on. I don't like it. I don't want it but the fact is I have 'it." Does this give me an excuse? No. Does this give me any privileges? No. Does this make me more understanding of the hurt in others? I hope so. Does this process ever get easier? I hope so.
Honestly, I want to move on, but the Lord has chosen to allow this and I am learning to trust Him though the steps are small and often in the wrong direction, He is at work. I am learning to judge others less. I am learning to keep my opinions to myself and honestly try to see things from the other person's perspective and when I don't He quickly catches me and reminds me that I do not know what they face or how they see life. I know what it is to be judged. I know what it is to judge myself so harshly that I have been paralyzed and unable to move forward. Trust me, I know and yet I also know what it is to receive grace, to experience mercy and to know forgiveness. My Father is so good! He will give it to You as well...trust Him!
Dependence - the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else; the state of needing something or someone else for support, help, etc; reliance, confidence or trust.
So for what He is showing me today... I have spent my life attempting to be independent. Some of the reason is because of things beyond my control and other reasons are simply because I am willful and stubborn. I do not know about you, but I have often thought of the word (maybe without realizing it even) dependence as a bad word or a characteristic of weakness. Now if you would have asked me if I thought it was important to depend on God...I would have said a resounding, "YES!" I am realizing; however that I have tried to live that double standard of being 'double-minded' that the Bible talks about in James 1:8. On one hand I would ask God to make me dependent on Him but in the 'flesh' I would be attempting to be in control of things myself - thus doubting God. Oh, not intentionally but not unintentionally either! That is an important distinction! I must chose to resist the enemy, to trust God and not doubt, to renew my mind, submit to Him, I must walk in His ways, etc... I have been taught to 'work', to 'strive', to try to 'measure up' and on and on. No excuse, but an opportunity to repent! Thank You, Father for revealing this to me!
Yes, God is still attempting to teach me, 'to cease striving...to be still...to stop fighting... & know that He is God! Psalm 46:10 I know that this will be a life-long learning but truly He is showing me that my acceptance is in Jesus, not in my works. He is convincing me that He loves me, period... Romans 8:38-39. Such things I will probably repeat as long as He gives me breath because I need that assurance from Him over and over again.
I had lost sight of another verse that He revealed to me years ago... Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of Your heart. Honestly, I have had trouble having 'delight' in anything for quite some time and yet He has not forgotten me and even though I have not had the 'feeling' of wanting my delight to be in Him, He has faithfully been working that out in me as well. He has so changed how I view things...and I am grateful - slowly but surely.
Back to the dependence thing ;) What got me to thinking was a statement in a study I have been struggling to complete for months. "His life (Jesus') is our example of what living in dependency is all about." What??? Yes, the obvious hit me...Jesus was fully dependent upon God as He walked out His life as a man. Dependence is not only a good thing but it is the right thing when it is depending on the Right Person! Simple to say and yet so hard to live and yet even in this He will provide the strength!
Jesus said in John 12:49-50, "For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent Me commanded Me what to say and how to say it. I know that His command leads to eternal life. So whatever I say is just what the Father has told Me to say." We are to imitate Him, to follow in His steps...to be fully dependent upon the Father and to allow our lives to point to eternal life in Him!
Father God, thank You for Jesus! For the example He was in His human walk and for giving us Your Word that we can know it. For the truth that He is at Your right hand even now interceding for me. Father, forgive me for spending so much time and so much of my life attempting to be 'independent' and in control, knowing full well that You are in control and I am not; however stubbornly trying to make my own way anyway. Forgive me for the many ways in which I have been headstrong and still am. Thank You for not giving up on me, ever. Thank You that You are my Potter and that as the clay You are molding me and You are in charge, I am not! I am so glad that I am not in charge, God, what a relief to know that even deeper within me than before. Please God help me to not just be a 'hearer' of Your Word but to be a 'doer' and not deceive myself any longer, James 1:22. Lord, may I not make excuses, may I wait for Your leading and not get impatient with this season of 'growth' that You have me in and may I be willing to.... May I trust You more fully and not try to 'figure' things out or even explain them to myself or others. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to share. May You receive the glory, Father... John 3:30.
