Isaiah 40:28-29 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? Yahweh is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never grows faint or weary, there is no limit to His understanding. He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless."
I believe I have established that I know weary as a personal friend...as I am sure many of you do as well. Weary emotionally, weary physically, weary spiritually, weary relationally. How's that for encouragement to begin our time together ;-/ Weary to the bone. Do you know what I am talking about? Do you relate? Weary of the fight to not be weary. So weary.
Herein lies the hope...Our God NEVER grows faint or weary, there is NO LIMIT to His understanding. Ah, sweet hope. Sweet Jesus. I am reminded to draw Him in like fresh breath and allow Him to be my hope. Where do I put my focus? You see we have a choice, one that doesn't seem so tough when it is written in black and white...but a very tough choice it can be. Do I focus on my weariness...or on the fact that He never grows weary? Seems like not much of a choice, does it? I mean who wants to be weary and stay weary? Apparently, I often do because I frequently make the choice to keep my eyes on my emotions, on my circumstances, on me! Poor choice, certainly not the best choice. Certainly not the choice that leads to strength and power. Oh God, even in this moment, I am faced with the choice...give me Your strength, Jesus, to choose to focus on You!
How? When emotions are real. When heartache is legit. When pain is a regular part of your day. Begin at the beginning, with the Truth. The facts. Yahweh (The Great I AM, the LORD) God is the creator of the whole earth! He created all of it...you and I included! He can certainly handle our weariness! The Word says HE NEVER GROWS FAINT OR WEARY! Did you catch that word, never? Wow, never...as in never! It is not even possible for Him to become weary! Whoa. But there is more!!! THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HIS UNDERSTANDING! Again, catch that...no limit! Unfathomable! What hope stirs in me! He gets it! He gets me! He understands it all! Way more than we do...way more than we even think we know!
Wait! It doesn't end there...with His strength and understanding. Are you ready for this? As if what we have discovered so far isn't rich beyond measure! I am so ready...I am so in need...HE GIVES STRENGTH TO THE WEARY AND STRENGTHENS THE POWERLESS! SIGN ME UP! Do you see? HE GIVES!!!!!!! He gives! What relief that brings, what hope that restores in me. I do not have to earn it...contrary to what this world teaches...HE GIVES! He gives. Let that settle.
He gives...will I accept His giving? Now, it all begins with Jesus. "For God so loved the world that He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." He is the Ultimate Gift. Have you received His gift? God, the Father, so wants to give Him to You. You cannot earn it. "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23. All of us fall short...I am not a special case, nor are you. All of us fall short...we cannot save ourselves. Do not believe that lie, you know you can't. I know I can't if we are honest with ourselves. BUT...You can receive His gift of salvation...Romans 10:9 tells you how..."If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved! You will! I have! Oh, please receive Him! You will begin a journey of hope and peace like you cannot even imagine.
You see He doesn't stop giving at salvation...I mean we know that, right? But do we KNOW that? Do we know it as a fact or as an experience? I want to experience the knowing and not just once, but over and over again! He is so awesome, it is what He wants too! John 10:10b "I (Jesus) have come that (you) may have life and have it in abundance!" Are you catching what I am catching? God never stops at just what He could do, He goes way beyond "all we can think or imagine.' (Ephesians 3:20). Thank You, God! He gives, and gives and gives some more! It's His character, it's Who He Is!
Now back to the question...Will I accept His giving? He promises to give strength to the weary and to the powerless AND understanding! I qualify, do you? Will you join with me in walking this journey His way and receive His gifts? Will we have to make the choice more than once? Yep, moment by moment...I mean it is either that or give in to the weariness that tries to take charge...moment by moment. I am realizing, like right this minute, that I can choose to be overwhelmed with weariness or overwhelmed with His strength, His power, His understanding. Does this mean the feelings automatically change?...they haven't for me. Does this mean that the weariness just automatically disappears?...it hasn't for me. But when I chose to receive what God has for me...I am not controlled by the weariness, by the feelings (now I have already explained previously how God has used medicine so clear my thinking, to lessen the emotions so that I can see Him clearly...go back and read it...because I'm not talking about when you have an physical illness that is preventing you from seeing past your emotions). This is a spiritual choice that leads to physical freedom! How do I know? Because I have experienced Him! I can chose to be controlled by Him! Remember His Spirit brings life and peace, Romans 8:6. Seems like there is only one choice to make... Are you with me? Do you want understanding unlimited and strength from the One who created everything, who cannot become weary? I DO!
Oh, God, remind us that You are ALL WE NEED! May we submit. May we receive. When we forget...again, God remind us! You are all we need! Thank You just doesn't cut it, but it's what I have...THANK YOU, GOD!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Love is?
I saw this idea somewhere to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in a new way by replacing the word love with God and placing yourself in the verse. After all God is love...1 John 4:8. So impacting! So convicting! I thought I would share it with you ;-) Please bear with me if I get carried away!
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
God is patient with you. God is kind to you. God does not envy; He is not boastful. He is not conceited. God does not act improperly toward you; He is not selfish. He is not provoked by you. He does not keep a record of your wrongs. God finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth. God bears with you in all things. He believes all things for you. He hopes all things for you. He endures all things with you. God's love for you never ends! (HCSB)
God is patient with you. God is kind to you and not jealous. He does not brag and He is not arrogant. God does not act unbecomingly toward you; He does not seek His own. God is not provoked and He does not take into account a wrong suffered toward Himself. He does not rejoice in your unrighteousness, but rejoices when you see the truth. God bears with you in all things, He believes all things with you. He endures all things with you. God and His love for you never fails. (NASB)
God is patient with you and kind toward you. He is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude to you. God does not demand His own way. He is not irritable with you. He keeps no record of being wronged by you. God does not rejoice about injustice you face but rejoices with you whenever the truth wins out. God never gives up on you. He never loses faith in you. He is always hopeful for you and He endures through every circumstance. God's love will last forever! (NLT)
God is always patient with you. God is always kind to you. God does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. God is not rude to you, He is not self-seeking, He is never easily angered with you. God keeps no record of your wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects you, always trusts you, always hopes the best for you, always perseveres with you. God's love for you never fails! (NIV)
Isn't that an incredible new perspective on love? Think about it...chew on it. Father, may Your Word become part of us internally...not just intellectually.
Ok, let's look at this more specifically. God being love therefore teaches us how to love, correct? This is tough...I find that I want love more often than I want to be loving. I find that my flesh is often more in control than my spirit - definitely my mouth. The Word says that in order to 'not fulfill the lusts of our flesh we must walk in the Spirit.' Galatians 5:16. We must remember that 'if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' 2 Corinthians 5:1. The old is dead...there is no life, no breath, no heart beat...dead. We have been made new...we have new life. I don't know about you but I want to stop trying to live as if I am still the old person, stop trying to resurrect what is dead and wasn't even good, because that is a life without Christ. I have been made new. (Consider looking up Jason Gray's song, I AM NEW. You will be blessed.) There is life where there is power through the Holy Spirit to love as God loves. God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is sufficient for you, for me, for His power is perfected in weakness. I am weak. May we decrease that He may increase, John 3:30. We must choose! God is love remember...He does not force His way. We must be determined...moment by moment. Is He going to be our focus...or are we and the distractions of this life?
I'm am going to get gut level real here and tell you that the enemy is eating my lunch in this area. I need prayer. I am struggling to love His way. I find that more often than not I am impatient, unkind, rude and definitely self-seeking. I struggle to not keep a record of wrongs and I want 'my' truth to be right. Particularly with my husband and my children. I want my way to be best and honestly I want to be protected and when I am not I am provoked. I am ashamed of my lack of love.
Father, forgive me for being so concerned with me...with my wants and my needs. Show me the balance of being healthy emotionally, taking care of myself in order that I may love Your way not so that I may be loved more my way. May Your Holy Spirit have His way in me and please God produce Your fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness and self-control in my life. Help me to step out of Your way. Forgive me for being self-seeking and living according to my flesh. May I submit moment by moment. Father, I thank You that I do not have to do any of this in my own strength that You tell that without You I can do nothing. That You are the vine and I am the branches. My job is to abide in You, to remain in You and You will do the job of bearing the fruit, 1 John 15:4-5. God teach me how to abide. Teach me how to be still, to cease fighting, to stop striving and know that You are God, Psalm 46:10. May I remember moment by moment that You, God are able to make all grace abound to me so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work, 2 Corinthians 9:8. May I chose to look to You, to love as You love and leave the results to You. After all You, Lord, are in control anyway ;o)
Lord God, touch the life of the one who is taking this Journey Your Way with me. May Your Word transform our lives...at the very core. You know each of our struggles and You are not worried. Thank You for Your mercy, Your forgiveness, Your grace, Your love. May we walk with You, following Your lead.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
God is patient with you. God is kind to you. God does not envy; He is not boastful. He is not conceited. God does not act improperly toward you; He is not selfish. He is not provoked by you. He does not keep a record of your wrongs. God finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth. God bears with you in all things. He believes all things for you. He hopes all things for you. He endures all things with you. God's love for you never ends! (HCSB)
God is patient with you. God is kind to you and not jealous. He does not brag and He is not arrogant. God does not act unbecomingly toward you; He does not seek His own. God is not provoked and He does not take into account a wrong suffered toward Himself. He does not rejoice in your unrighteousness, but rejoices when you see the truth. God bears with you in all things, He believes all things with you. He endures all things with you. God and His love for you never fails. (NASB)
God is patient with you and kind toward you. He is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude to you. God does not demand His own way. He is not irritable with you. He keeps no record of being wronged by you. God does not rejoice about injustice you face but rejoices with you whenever the truth wins out. God never gives up on you. He never loses faith in you. He is always hopeful for you and He endures through every circumstance. God's love will last forever! (NLT)
God is always patient with you. God is always kind to you. God does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. God is not rude to you, He is not self-seeking, He is never easily angered with you. God keeps no record of your wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects you, always trusts you, always hopes the best for you, always perseveres with you. God's love for you never fails! (NIV)
Isn't that an incredible new perspective on love? Think about it...chew on it. Father, may Your Word become part of us internally...not just intellectually.
Ok, let's look at this more specifically. God being love therefore teaches us how to love, correct? This is tough...I find that I want love more often than I want to be loving. I find that my flesh is often more in control than my spirit - definitely my mouth. The Word says that in order to 'not fulfill the lusts of our flesh we must walk in the Spirit.' Galatians 5:16. We must remember that 'if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' 2 Corinthians 5:1. The old is dead...there is no life, no breath, no heart beat...dead. We have been made new...we have new life. I don't know about you but I want to stop trying to live as if I am still the old person, stop trying to resurrect what is dead and wasn't even good, because that is a life without Christ. I have been made new. (Consider looking up Jason Gray's song, I AM NEW. You will be blessed.) There is life where there is power through the Holy Spirit to love as God loves. God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is sufficient for you, for me, for His power is perfected in weakness. I am weak. May we decrease that He may increase, John 3:30. We must choose! God is love remember...He does not force His way. We must be determined...moment by moment. Is He going to be our focus...or are we and the distractions of this life?
I'm am going to get gut level real here and tell you that the enemy is eating my lunch in this area. I need prayer. I am struggling to love His way. I find that more often than not I am impatient, unkind, rude and definitely self-seeking. I struggle to not keep a record of wrongs and I want 'my' truth to be right. Particularly with my husband and my children. I want my way to be best and honestly I want to be protected and when I am not I am provoked. I am ashamed of my lack of love.
Father, forgive me for being so concerned with me...with my wants and my needs. Show me the balance of being healthy emotionally, taking care of myself in order that I may love Your way not so that I may be loved more my way. May Your Holy Spirit have His way in me and please God produce Your fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness and self-control in my life. Help me to step out of Your way. Forgive me for being self-seeking and living according to my flesh. May I submit moment by moment. Father, I thank You that I do not have to do any of this in my own strength that You tell that without You I can do nothing. That You are the vine and I am the branches. My job is to abide in You, to remain in You and You will do the job of bearing the fruit, 1 John 15:4-5. God teach me how to abide. Teach me how to be still, to cease fighting, to stop striving and know that You are God, Psalm 46:10. May I remember moment by moment that You, God are able to make all grace abound to me so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work, 2 Corinthians 9:8. May I chose to look to You, to love as You love and leave the results to You. After all You, Lord, are in control anyway ;o)
Lord God, touch the life of the one who is taking this Journey Your Way with me. May Your Word transform our lives...at the very core. You know each of our struggles and You are not worried. Thank You for Your mercy, Your forgiveness, Your grace, Your love. May we walk with You, following Your lead.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The Lord Is Compassionate, Gracious, Rich in Faithful Love!
Joel 2:12-13 "Even now--this is the LORD'S declaration--turn to Me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping and mourning. Tear your hearts, not just your clothes, and return to the LORD your God. For He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, rich in faithful love..."
Psalm 86:15 You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abundant in faithful love and truth.
(Exodus 34:6-7, Numbers 14:18, Nehemiah 9:17, Psalm 103:8)
Recently, I read these verses in Joel and was amazed to find that the description of God there is found in several other places in Scripture. I had never noticed it anywhere but in Psalms I think.
Anyway, I was struck in a big way by WHO GOD IS! He is LORD, Yahweh, the I AM, the Creator of all things and yet He is my God. Mine. Wow. He is gracious - full of grace. I so struggle with comprehending this. I tend to think in terms of conditions...He is unconditional. He is compassionate...even in the face of my rebellion, my ugly, selfish attitudes, He still desires for me to return to Him. To allow Him to express His compassion, His grace for me. To accept Him. To trust Him. He is slow to anger...this is huge to me. I have a temper. I have a strong and passionate opinion about most things and I often prefer to share it rather than not...although thankfully with age I have gotten better about waiting until it isn't flaring hot. At least something good had come out of getting older ;-) Slow to anger...He does not get mad at me and turn away until I straighten up. He does not get mad at me and lash out at me. He does not get mad at me and give up on me. He does correct me. He does convict me. He does allow me to face the consequences of my actions. He is rich in faithful love and truth. Rich in it! He has an excess of it! An abundance! Numbers 14:18 also says He is "forgiving of wrongdoing and rebellion." In Nehemiah 9:17, it says He does not abandon me.
I do not know about you, but this gives me great hope! I am in need of Him. I am often willing to change the outward...'to tear my clothes' so to speak and not 'my heart.' I am realizing more and more that this means I am not changing...I am not truly repentant if it doesn't go all the way to my heart. It isn't about what I do or don't do...it is about the attitude with which I live. He accepts my effort. It is about who He is. Yes, I have a part... I need to repent with 'fasting, weeping and mourning' but the change takes place in is His rescue. What is important is who He is. How do I get to the place where I am willing to repent with the depth that He requires? By looking at how great He is! Then I realize how great I am not!
Father God, forgive me for so often going through the motions...of thinking I should change, this or that. I should do this differently, etc... and not really being willing to recognize and declare that I am nothing without You. Still thinking that I have something I need to be doing instead of looking to You and taking the time to allow You to reveal to me what I need to repent of. Of thinking I am better than I am. Forgive me for taking Your compassion, Your grace, Your faithful and abundant love for granted. For being more concerned with outward appearances and what others think of me than what You think of me. Change me, Lord. Help me to repent with a godly sorrow. To look at You. To focus on You and take my eyes off myself. Thank You for never abandoning me. For allowing me to return again and again from disobedience and welcoming me with open arms. Not only that, but You seek me, You provide the desire to repent. God, You are so amazing. Thank You for allowing me to be Your child. For choosing me. May I share the hope that You have given with others as You lead.
Psalm 86:15 You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abundant in faithful love and truth.
(Exodus 34:6-7, Numbers 14:18, Nehemiah 9:17, Psalm 103:8)
Recently, I read these verses in Joel and was amazed to find that the description of God there is found in several other places in Scripture. I had never noticed it anywhere but in Psalms I think.
Anyway, I was struck in a big way by WHO GOD IS! He is LORD, Yahweh, the I AM, the Creator of all things and yet He is my God. Mine. Wow. He is gracious - full of grace. I so struggle with comprehending this. I tend to think in terms of conditions...He is unconditional. He is compassionate...even in the face of my rebellion, my ugly, selfish attitudes, He still desires for me to return to Him. To allow Him to express His compassion, His grace for me. To accept Him. To trust Him. He is slow to anger...this is huge to me. I have a temper. I have a strong and passionate opinion about most things and I often prefer to share it rather than not...although thankfully with age I have gotten better about waiting until it isn't flaring hot. At least something good had come out of getting older ;-) Slow to anger...He does not get mad at me and turn away until I straighten up. He does not get mad at me and lash out at me. He does not get mad at me and give up on me. He does correct me. He does convict me. He does allow me to face the consequences of my actions. He is rich in faithful love and truth. Rich in it! He has an excess of it! An abundance! Numbers 14:18 also says He is "forgiving of wrongdoing and rebellion." In Nehemiah 9:17, it says He does not abandon me.
I do not know about you, but this gives me great hope! I am in need of Him. I am often willing to change the outward...'to tear my clothes' so to speak and not 'my heart.' I am realizing more and more that this means I am not changing...I am not truly repentant if it doesn't go all the way to my heart. It isn't about what I do or don't do...it is about the attitude with which I live. He accepts my effort. It is about who He is. Yes, I have a part... I need to repent with 'fasting, weeping and mourning' but the change takes place in is His rescue. What is important is who He is. How do I get to the place where I am willing to repent with the depth that He requires? By looking at how great He is! Then I realize how great I am not!
Father God, forgive me for so often going through the motions...of thinking I should change, this or that. I should do this differently, etc... and not really being willing to recognize and declare that I am nothing without You. Still thinking that I have something I need to be doing instead of looking to You and taking the time to allow You to reveal to me what I need to repent of. Of thinking I am better than I am. Forgive me for taking Your compassion, Your grace, Your faithful and abundant love for granted. For being more concerned with outward appearances and what others think of me than what You think of me. Change me, Lord. Help me to repent with a godly sorrow. To look at You. To focus on You and take my eyes off myself. Thank You for never abandoning me. For allowing me to return again and again from disobedience and welcoming me with open arms. Not only that, but You seek me, You provide the desire to repent. God, You are so amazing. Thank You for allowing me to be Your child. For choosing me. May I share the hope that You have given with others as You lead.
Monday, October 28, 2013
A chance to make a difference?
I have a multitude of thoughts running through my mind today. Father, please clarify and show me what You would have me say. I am loving the chance to have a voice. Does anyone out there understand what I mean? A chance to share, a chance to be heard, hopefully a chance to make a difference for the kingdom of God.
So I had an appointment this morning. Before I left the Lord gave me a clear idea of how to say thank you and perhaps minister to some people who have been helpful in this journey I am on. People who are simply doing their job and yet they ministered to me with such kindness and compassion that I really needed them to know that what they do makes a difference. Some of them I know belong to Jesus and others I know do not yet. I have been praying for some of them specifically and asking God for a chance to point to Him. Well, He did that in two ways today. In one way quite unexpected.
I was driving about 60 mph in the third lane of the Watterson Expressway (next to the fast lane) when all at once my car died...because of the Lord and His protection I was able to put on my hazards and after a semi-truck whizzed by me ease my way to the emergency lane. It was all so unexpected, so scary and it all happened in a split second. As I made it to the emergency lane with out being hit, praise God, I was trying to figure out what to do. The engine restarted without me even coming to a stop...I can't explain it. I did reach for the key, but I do not know if I started it myself or not...didn't seem like it. Anyway the gauges were fine, nothing appeared to be wrong with the car so I shakily continued driving to my appointment. God graciously allowed me to make it to my appointment and then I proceeded to thank the ladies who have made such a difference in my world...as the Lord had told me to by leaving some snacks and a note.
Well, the second opportunity came to point to Him when I began to tell the lady who would be taking my blood pressure...that it might be slightly higher than normal and why :-/ This same lady is the one I met my first time visiting this office and in discussion with her realized she is not a Christ follower; however she believes in God...I have since returned to the office and have not had the opportunity to talk with her again until today. Anyway, I have been praying for her salvation and the chance to get to share Christ with her in the days to come. To build a relationship and share what He is doing in me as she quickly dismissed any references to Christ previously. As I tell her briefly what had occurred she became completely engaged in my story. She said you do know that you were divinely protected don't you? And she proceeded to tell me a personal story about a close family member who was involved in a crash...and lived to tell about it. I assured her that I did know that the Lord protected me and how incredible it is to know that God is Sovereign, that He is in control. She proceeded to give me a hug...the second time she has done this! Huge, I think! She was more shook up than I even was and I am sharing this because, I find it incredible that God would give me such an experience so that I could relate with her on another level. In one of my darkest moments of depression I met her the first time and shared with her of my desire to rely on Jesus...she was incredibly kind, compassionate and helpful. Well, unbeknownst to me...all this would occur today...after I had written a thank you note and prayer out for the office staff and left it along with some snacks. I am praying that God will use this experience today...a dramatic one for me and one that caused her to relieve an extremely difficult time in her own life and the fact that He had me leave a card pointing to Him in the office, in a way that will draw her and any of the others that do not know Jesus into a personal relationship with Him. He knew I would be leaving a personal note before this all occurred. He knew that today she would be the particular person to sign me in. He knew that she would be affected by my experience and on and on! Please pray with me for her. God knows her name as I do not want to share it here.
Wow, isn't God good! I am so glad that He is giving me eyes to see Him in the moment by moment. That He has used medication to help clear my mind and allow me to focus more earnestly on Him without being at a point of desperation emotionally. I am thankful that He has had a plan for me even through those valleys of darkness and that He promises to never leave me or forsake me. He is even using us for His sake when we are certain there is no way He could. He promises the same to you. He will provide answers. Are we willing to trust Him? Wait for Him? I so want to, don't you?
Just so you are not confused by my enthusiasm, I still hurt...my wounds are not all healed but surrendering to His lead and being willing to follow medical advice is making a profound difference. Please do not let the words of others or the expectations you may have for yourself keep you from being determined to seek help if you need it; whatever your issue is. We all have issues. We are all imperfect and we all hurt. Trust me, it is not worth trying to fix everything yourself...it does not work...eventually it will catch up to you. I can honestly say, God led me to help on multiple occasions through the years but rather than follow through I assumed I needed to be more spiritual, that I needed to do more and be more. It just isn't true. I am thankful that He never gave up on me and He finally got my attention once again. I am treasured by Him...so are you. Prayerfully He continues to open my eyes. When I struggle, and I do, I pray that He will convict me and comfort me. May we allow Him to use our experiences, our pain, our journey's to be a benefit to someone else.
Let Him help You. Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you, 1 Peter 5:7. And when you cast it...let it go. When you pick it back up again...cast it again...then let it go. I am convinced that He can handle it...I am convinced that He is at work...Ask Him for the strength to cast it...for the strength to let it go. I am praying for you as You do so...please pray for me. Father God, may we truly learn to trust You with our cares. When we fall, may we have Your strength to get back up and cast our cares once again. You are at work...all the time. May we have eyes to see You and Your provision. May we choose moment by moment to walk on this journey of life Your way, not our own. Have Your way in us. May we glorify You. Thank You for Your amazing love and Your faithfulness.
So I had an appointment this morning. Before I left the Lord gave me a clear idea of how to say thank you and perhaps minister to some people who have been helpful in this journey I am on. People who are simply doing their job and yet they ministered to me with such kindness and compassion that I really needed them to know that what they do makes a difference. Some of them I know belong to Jesus and others I know do not yet. I have been praying for some of them specifically and asking God for a chance to point to Him. Well, He did that in two ways today. In one way quite unexpected.
I was driving about 60 mph in the third lane of the Watterson Expressway (next to the fast lane) when all at once my car died...because of the Lord and His protection I was able to put on my hazards and after a semi-truck whizzed by me ease my way to the emergency lane. It was all so unexpected, so scary and it all happened in a split second. As I made it to the emergency lane with out being hit, praise God, I was trying to figure out what to do. The engine restarted without me even coming to a stop...I can't explain it. I did reach for the key, but I do not know if I started it myself or not...didn't seem like it. Anyway the gauges were fine, nothing appeared to be wrong with the car so I shakily continued driving to my appointment. God graciously allowed me to make it to my appointment and then I proceeded to thank the ladies who have made such a difference in my world...as the Lord had told me to by leaving some snacks and a note.
Well, the second opportunity came to point to Him when I began to tell the lady who would be taking my blood pressure...that it might be slightly higher than normal and why :-/ This same lady is the one I met my first time visiting this office and in discussion with her realized she is not a Christ follower; however she believes in God...I have since returned to the office and have not had the opportunity to talk with her again until today. Anyway, I have been praying for her salvation and the chance to get to share Christ with her in the days to come. To build a relationship and share what He is doing in me as she quickly dismissed any references to Christ previously. As I tell her briefly what had occurred she became completely engaged in my story. She said you do know that you were divinely protected don't you? And she proceeded to tell me a personal story about a close family member who was involved in a crash...and lived to tell about it. I assured her that I did know that the Lord protected me and how incredible it is to know that God is Sovereign, that He is in control. She proceeded to give me a hug...the second time she has done this! Huge, I think! She was more shook up than I even was and I am sharing this because, I find it incredible that God would give me such an experience so that I could relate with her on another level. In one of my darkest moments of depression I met her the first time and shared with her of my desire to rely on Jesus...she was incredibly kind, compassionate and helpful. Well, unbeknownst to me...all this would occur today...after I had written a thank you note and prayer out for the office staff and left it along with some snacks. I am praying that God will use this experience today...a dramatic one for me and one that caused her to relieve an extremely difficult time in her own life and the fact that He had me leave a card pointing to Him in the office, in a way that will draw her and any of the others that do not know Jesus into a personal relationship with Him. He knew I would be leaving a personal note before this all occurred. He knew that today she would be the particular person to sign me in. He knew that she would be affected by my experience and on and on! Please pray with me for her. God knows her name as I do not want to share it here.
Wow, isn't God good! I am so glad that He is giving me eyes to see Him in the moment by moment. That He has used medication to help clear my mind and allow me to focus more earnestly on Him without being at a point of desperation emotionally. I am thankful that He has had a plan for me even through those valleys of darkness and that He promises to never leave me or forsake me. He is even using us for His sake when we are certain there is no way He could. He promises the same to you. He will provide answers. Are we willing to trust Him? Wait for Him? I so want to, don't you?
Just so you are not confused by my enthusiasm, I still hurt...my wounds are not all healed but surrendering to His lead and being willing to follow medical advice is making a profound difference. Please do not let the words of others or the expectations you may have for yourself keep you from being determined to seek help if you need it; whatever your issue is. We all have issues. We are all imperfect and we all hurt. Trust me, it is not worth trying to fix everything yourself...it does not work...eventually it will catch up to you. I can honestly say, God led me to help on multiple occasions through the years but rather than follow through I assumed I needed to be more spiritual, that I needed to do more and be more. It just isn't true. I am thankful that He never gave up on me and He finally got my attention once again. I am treasured by Him...so are you. Prayerfully He continues to open my eyes. When I struggle, and I do, I pray that He will convict me and comfort me. May we allow Him to use our experiences, our pain, our journey's to be a benefit to someone else.
Let Him help You. Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you, 1 Peter 5:7. And when you cast it...let it go. When you pick it back up again...cast it again...then let it go. I am convinced that He can handle it...I am convinced that He is at work...Ask Him for the strength to cast it...for the strength to let it go. I am praying for you as You do so...please pray for me. Father God, may we truly learn to trust You with our cares. When we fall, may we have Your strength to get back up and cast our cares once again. You are at work...all the time. May we have eyes to see You and Your provision. May we choose moment by moment to walk on this journey of life Your way, not our own. Have Your way in us. May we glorify You. Thank You for Your amazing love and Your faithfulness.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
He Will Make a Way
Isaiah 43:14a, 19 "This is what the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel says,...'Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to the things of old. Look I am about to do something new, even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.'"
Wow, isn't our God amazing! His Word is so rich! and yet I find myself so often doing just what the Israelites were doing in this season...trying to figure things out in my own strength - in other words rebelling! I so often temper my own actions by couching them in softer words like doing things my way (rebellion), it is just my opinion (judging), I wouldn't do that (pride), etc.... Lord, please allow me to see my thoughts and actions for what they are and repent with a godly sorrow, to truly turn from my sin and not excuse it. God, forgive me for so often seeking my own way rather than trusting You to lead me in Yours.
Back to the verse (Remember I am not a Biblical scholar, I am just sharing my own journey)... I love how personal and intimate our Father is with us. The LORD (Yahweh, I AM WHO I AM Exodus 3:14...how cool to think of this introduction God gave Moses...tell them the I AM sent you. I AM...He is, period!) This same I AM is my Redeemer (my Rescuer, He paid my ransom with the blood of His Only Son, Jesus - Do we realize how special, how important we are?) and He wants to be your Redeemer as well. I am baffled by how much time I spend and have spent trying to redeem myself! Oh, I have known for a while now that it is impossible for me or any of my actions to redeem me from anything, but it didn't stop me from trying. What a waste, and yet my Father in His graciousness will not let anything, good, bad, indifferent to go to waste...He says that 'all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose' Romans 8:28. I am so thankful to Him for His promises. I can trust Him to work. I can trust Him because He is trustworthy, period. He is the Great I Am! He is holy, set apart, there is no one like Him! He has got this life...this journey...He has got me! He has got you!
He doesn't need me to try to redeem myself, to work so hard, to beat myself up...He is the REDEEMER, He is the I AM. Did you notice that He is delivering the Israelites when they are rebellious? They were not even attempting to seek God, or obey Him and He made a way to redeem them...He does the same for us today! "While we were still sinners, He died for us!" Romans 5:8. He seeks us, He does the work. My 'righteous' works are as 'filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6) because without Jesus I am not righteous at all, much less are my actions righteous. "There is no one righteous, not even one." Romans 3:10. Jesus is the Righteous One and He is the only One who can remove our sins and make us right before God. 1 John 2:1-2; Romans 5:19
Ok, so I have been having such a good time 'chasing rabbits' back to the verse in Isaiah ;o))) Now to what I really wanted to get too!!! I, hope that with me, you will determine that you will choose to not remember past events (other than to learn from them and hopefully minister to someone else from them) and beat yourself up for things you cannot change, things you did not understand until God gave you the clarity to understand. Father, forgive me for spending so much time looking back in regret and beating myself up for things I could not control or decisions that I have made with knowledge from the moment. Forgive me for not trusting in Your Sovereignty and Your promise that You have good plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) For thinking that You meant these promises for someone else. I remember clearly several years ago when You first showed me these verses in Isaiah 43 that I realized then that I need 'look' because You are about to do a new thing. Forgive me for forgetting...for believing so many lies in the days that followed. Thank You for reminding me, for bringing me back...I do see! Please keep my eyes on You, Jesus!
The Redeemer, the I AM says He is doing a new thing...my job is to allow Him to open my eyes...to be willing to look, to surrender my desire to be in control. Praise God, that He never gives up on me...that He continually seeks me and that He loves me. He promises He 'will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.' I am here to testify...even in the midst of some of my darkest times...He has been faithful and He does make a way out. Can you imagine with me 'rivers in the desert'? Do you know what it means to be in a wilderness, to be parched in a desert? I think you do. I do. And yet my Father says He will make a way...and not only a way...but a river! I picture a mighty rushing river...with beautiful swells...an abundance of water. My Father overwhelms me with His abundance. I can trust Him, that though the times in the wilderness will come, the times of being weary and worn whatever the cause, to make a way for me. He will make a way for you too! Don't give up! Be willing to say, "I need help!" First to your Father and then to someone else if need be. Someone who will lead you to the Father and help you find His answers. I promise He will provide! The difficulty for us is waiting for His timing in His provision. Remember this is a journey...it can take a long time...in fact a lifetime...but if we are willing He will allow us to walk this journey His way in His strength.
If I can help you...pray with you...listen to you...share with you the names of my doctors...whatever...please give me that opportunity.
Father God, there are so many who are hurting...we tend to hide, to try to fix it own our own but God please help us to look to You first and then be willing to let someone else share our burdens. Your Word tells us in James 5:16 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." May we obey Your Word. May each of us be willing to be that burden-bearer for another. "Now may the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Wow, isn't our God amazing! His Word is so rich! and yet I find myself so often doing just what the Israelites were doing in this season...trying to figure things out in my own strength - in other words rebelling! I so often temper my own actions by couching them in softer words like doing things my way (rebellion), it is just my opinion (judging), I wouldn't do that (pride), etc.... Lord, please allow me to see my thoughts and actions for what they are and repent with a godly sorrow, to truly turn from my sin and not excuse it. God, forgive me for so often seeking my own way rather than trusting You to lead me in Yours.
Back to the verse (Remember I am not a Biblical scholar, I am just sharing my own journey)... I love how personal and intimate our Father is with us. The LORD (Yahweh, I AM WHO I AM Exodus 3:14...how cool to think of this introduction God gave Moses...tell them the I AM sent you. I AM...He is, period!) This same I AM is my Redeemer (my Rescuer, He paid my ransom with the blood of His Only Son, Jesus - Do we realize how special, how important we are?) and He wants to be your Redeemer as well. I am baffled by how much time I spend and have spent trying to redeem myself! Oh, I have known for a while now that it is impossible for me or any of my actions to redeem me from anything, but it didn't stop me from trying. What a waste, and yet my Father in His graciousness will not let anything, good, bad, indifferent to go to waste...He says that 'all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose' Romans 8:28. I am so thankful to Him for His promises. I can trust Him to work. I can trust Him because He is trustworthy, period. He is the Great I Am! He is holy, set apart, there is no one like Him! He has got this life...this journey...He has got me! He has got you!
He doesn't need me to try to redeem myself, to work so hard, to beat myself up...He is the REDEEMER, He is the I AM. Did you notice that He is delivering the Israelites when they are rebellious? They were not even attempting to seek God, or obey Him and He made a way to redeem them...He does the same for us today! "While we were still sinners, He died for us!" Romans 5:8. He seeks us, He does the work. My 'righteous' works are as 'filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6) because without Jesus I am not righteous at all, much less are my actions righteous. "There is no one righteous, not even one." Romans 3:10. Jesus is the Righteous One and He is the only One who can remove our sins and make us right before God. 1 John 2:1-2; Romans 5:19
Ok, so I have been having such a good time 'chasing rabbits' back to the verse in Isaiah ;o))) Now to what I really wanted to get too!!! I, hope that with me, you will determine that you will choose to not remember past events (other than to learn from them and hopefully minister to someone else from them) and beat yourself up for things you cannot change, things you did not understand until God gave you the clarity to understand. Father, forgive me for spending so much time looking back in regret and beating myself up for things I could not control or decisions that I have made with knowledge from the moment. Forgive me for not trusting in Your Sovereignty and Your promise that You have good plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) For thinking that You meant these promises for someone else. I remember clearly several years ago when You first showed me these verses in Isaiah 43 that I realized then that I need 'look' because You are about to do a new thing. Forgive me for forgetting...for believing so many lies in the days that followed. Thank You for reminding me, for bringing me back...I do see! Please keep my eyes on You, Jesus!
The Redeemer, the I AM says He is doing a new thing...my job is to allow Him to open my eyes...to be willing to look, to surrender my desire to be in control. Praise God, that He never gives up on me...that He continually seeks me and that He loves me. He promises He 'will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.' I am here to testify...even in the midst of some of my darkest times...He has been faithful and He does make a way out. Can you imagine with me 'rivers in the desert'? Do you know what it means to be in a wilderness, to be parched in a desert? I think you do. I do. And yet my Father says He will make a way...and not only a way...but a river! I picture a mighty rushing river...with beautiful swells...an abundance of water. My Father overwhelms me with His abundance. I can trust Him, that though the times in the wilderness will come, the times of being weary and worn whatever the cause, to make a way for me. He will make a way for you too! Don't give up! Be willing to say, "I need help!" First to your Father and then to someone else if need be. Someone who will lead you to the Father and help you find His answers. I promise He will provide! The difficulty for us is waiting for His timing in His provision. Remember this is a journey...it can take a long time...in fact a lifetime...but if we are willing He will allow us to walk this journey His way in His strength.
If I can help you...pray with you...listen to you...share with you the names of my doctors...whatever...please give me that opportunity.
Father God, there are so many who are hurting...we tend to hide, to try to fix it own our own but God please help us to look to You first and then be willing to let someone else share our burdens. Your Word tells us in James 5:16 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." May we obey Your Word. May each of us be willing to be that burden-bearer for another. "Now may the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Friday, October 25, 2013
Finding clarity on the journey
Father, may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You. Thank You, LORD, are my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
Disclaimer: I will be wordy...I was just made that way :o)))
Well as I sit here this morning I cannot begin to express how thankful I am to have some enthusiasm for life and an opportunity to be heard! To think that God has given me a voice to share is overwhelming and exciting. Thank you to each of you who have taken your time to read or to comment...I know time is valuable and I appreciate you and your encouragement!
The word journey means a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time. Some synonyms for the word journey are adventure, course, expedition, exploration, passage, roaming, sojourn, quest. These words stir up different emotions in me. This journey called life has not been anything like I thought it would be when I was a young person dreaming of days ahead. In many ways it has been unbelievably better and in others so hard. One of the biggest frustrations for me has been this intense need to get 'it' right. To be perfect...silly, I know...when I write it I can see it...but in fleshing it out I find that the lines are not so clear. I am a romantic. I am an idealist. Or at least I was in my early days...truthfully I have lost myself somewhere on this journey and I am now determined that I am valuable, I am treasured, I am of great worth...to my Father in heaven if to no one else. You see, in the depths of me, I have been more concerned with pleasing others, trying to be all to all, that I have no real idea of who God has made me, Tammy, to be. Thus I have an exciting journey ahead...discovering what He has for me...now that I am ready to submit to the journey His way.
As I mentioned before, discovering that some of the issues I have faced emotionally have a physical root and are not just a product of upbringing or even my own choices has been freeing on so many levels. God has freed me to believe (and I will need prayer to not fall back into old habits) that I am loved unconditionally...because He alone is able to love this way. In my finite mind and through my experiences, love has most often had a string attached. I have found that if we let it 'that string' will choke the very life out of us. Other than my Father, who is gradually convincing me that He is Love, period...I did not know this kind of love until He brought Mark and his parents into my life, a godly love...and since then I have seen this love expressed by several others in ways that reflect God. You have no idea how much this means. I have made it hard for Mark to love me unconditionally because, truly I did not and still struggle with how to accept it. Thankfully God is opening my eyes. This is a big deal...because the Word tells us that we 'love because He first loved us' 1 John 4:19 and 'to love your neighbor as yourself' in Matthew 22:39.
Do you have any idea what it means to hate yourself and yet try desperately to love others as Christ would have you to? It does not work. Oh, believe me I have tried. I have said to myself and others all the right things..."Yes, I know God created me and He does not create junk. Yes, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, I know that to hate myself is to shake my fist at the God who created me." and on and on and on. Again, knowing in my head and truly believing in my heart that I am a 'delight to God and He rejoices over me with singing'...Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) is another thing altogether. Don't get me wrong there have been times through the years that this has penetrated to my heart and I believed it for a bit...but always before I would fall back into the trap of believing that this truth and many others were for someone else...not me.
Probably you are wondering, did I really hate myself...I mean how? Tammy, "you are sweet, you are friendly, you are such an encouragement, I love your openness", etc... but trust me as I try to explain that while many of your words have been a blessing in the moment, this cloud of depression has been so thick that the words do not make it to my heart (words, whether from you or from God, my Father)...and even the times that I have been on medicine there was still something missing...the medicine never was enough, praying, meditating on the Word, still I was so heavy inside and in such an internal battle. Well, finally the Lord has revealed...I have ADHD.
Of course, I am not your typical ADHD (I never seem to do anything in life the typical, expected way - a gift, I guess ;) which is why it was so hard to see in me especially past the depression. One way that I am not typical is that I do not have a lot of energy, another is I love to read. In fact I am so good at sitting I think it could be an art form! The thing is though, when I sit I am never still. Inside of me is where "all the hyperactivity and attention deficit) is all occurring. Mind boggling to grasp...but oh, so freeing. The ADHD and depression go hand in hand for me...because I have spent so many years trying so hard...and yet feeling so broken and stupid because the things that come so easy to some are so difficult for me.... For example, I have such great ideas sometimes...but I have an intense struggle getting them to practical application, or following through. I would spend weeks in the years homeschooling preparing lesson plans, getting a schedule figured out and then boom, never one time being able to make it work practically. Do you know how maddening it is to not be able to do the same thing 2 days in a row. I have always laughingly said...'well, I am abstract/random...whatever that means! To me it meant I jump from thing to thing, never knowing what might come out of my mouth or what might come up that we could try...flexible. I would often say, "I am so flexible, I might as well be a noodle!" Well flexible when it comes to following a schedule at least...if you needed me I was there...regardless of the stress it might put on us to get school finished...I did not want to miss an adventure. Well, needless to say this put untenable stress on me...plus the pressure to not 'ruin my kids education'. Not to mention that I am incredibly good at distracting myself, even in the middle of a sentence!!!
I mean, I did this to myself...why did I not stop? I could not clearly see how to stop. It is part of how I am wired. I thought I 'should' be able to be all to all...after all I am stubborn and by the way isn't it godly to put others before yourself? Surely, God would want me to be available to others, to help, after all I could do school later, etc... I have discovered to my amazement that I have developed some pretty good coping skills, after all I have still managed to function...to raise three pretty good kids. Yet it is now obvious to me that I was way out of balance, way to hard on myself...and yet I did the best I knew at the time. I cannot look back and regret doing my best...I had a pure heart, a desire to be a godly wife and mom and a determination to be all that I thought that meant. I am thankful God has given me such a hard head because with out it I know I would be even worse off. He has had me in His hand all this time...I was never on my own, though I may have lived like it or felt like it. I know that He has revealed His answers in His time...I trust His timing...and where I don't I am asking Him to help me to trust Him more...to place my eyes on Him more often and less on myself.
I am not broken beyond repair...there is hope for me...yes, I struggle with depression - did you notice the words in the previous post, chronic and recurrent...it keeps coming back...I do not chose it. It just is. Yes, I struggle with ADHD and I am just beginning to understand what that means to me and for me on this Journey His Way. I am incredibly insecure for reasons I am just now beginning to understand...but I am so thankful for that understanding...for the hope that God is providing. But here is the thing...I desire to choose to submit, to surrender fully to God...to His choice of healing for me...not a preconceived idea of what it 'should' look like anymore. If I am to be on medicine for the rest of my life so be it...He has finally brought me to the place that I want all He has for me...no more of this 'fleshing it out my way.' I want Him to use all of me...however He chooses. I know that I will still struggle and I am not at all stating that I won't potentially have dark days...that is just part of life for all of us...clinically depressed or not...what I want though is for this time to be yet another watermark in my life that when I go two steps forward and three steps back I no longer go back as far as I did before...but that I will walk intimately with my Father. Remembering His faithfulness and surrounding myself with people who will remind me when I forget. I trust my Daddy to never let go of me...to love me because He is love...not because of me at all. He does and He will. He cannot lie.
Thank You God, for the clarity You are giving me...help me to not give in to the temptation to be afraid or to do things because I think I should, but to look to You and follow Your lead. I need Your strength to focus on You...I need Your strength to rest in You...I need Your strength to trust You. Thank You that You are willing and able to provide all I need and so much more. You are amazing, God and I am so thankful to be Your daughter...may my life be about You...not just my words.... May those sharing this journey with me bear with me as I walk this way with You and may I extend them that same grace.
Disclaimer: I will be wordy...I was just made that way :o)))
Well as I sit here this morning I cannot begin to express how thankful I am to have some enthusiasm for life and an opportunity to be heard! To think that God has given me a voice to share is overwhelming and exciting. Thank you to each of you who have taken your time to read or to comment...I know time is valuable and I appreciate you and your encouragement!
The word journey means a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time. Some synonyms for the word journey are adventure, course, expedition, exploration, passage, roaming, sojourn, quest. These words stir up different emotions in me. This journey called life has not been anything like I thought it would be when I was a young person dreaming of days ahead. In many ways it has been unbelievably better and in others so hard. One of the biggest frustrations for me has been this intense need to get 'it' right. To be perfect...silly, I know...when I write it I can see it...but in fleshing it out I find that the lines are not so clear. I am a romantic. I am an idealist. Or at least I was in my early days...truthfully I have lost myself somewhere on this journey and I am now determined that I am valuable, I am treasured, I am of great worth...to my Father in heaven if to no one else. You see, in the depths of me, I have been more concerned with pleasing others, trying to be all to all, that I have no real idea of who God has made me, Tammy, to be. Thus I have an exciting journey ahead...discovering what He has for me...now that I am ready to submit to the journey His way.
As I mentioned before, discovering that some of the issues I have faced emotionally have a physical root and are not just a product of upbringing or even my own choices has been freeing on so many levels. God has freed me to believe (and I will need prayer to not fall back into old habits) that I am loved unconditionally...because He alone is able to love this way. In my finite mind and through my experiences, love has most often had a string attached. I have found that if we let it 'that string' will choke the very life out of us. Other than my Father, who is gradually convincing me that He is Love, period...I did not know this kind of love until He brought Mark and his parents into my life, a godly love...and since then I have seen this love expressed by several others in ways that reflect God. You have no idea how much this means. I have made it hard for Mark to love me unconditionally because, truly I did not and still struggle with how to accept it. Thankfully God is opening my eyes. This is a big deal...because the Word tells us that we 'love because He first loved us' 1 John 4:19 and 'to love your neighbor as yourself' in Matthew 22:39.
Do you have any idea what it means to hate yourself and yet try desperately to love others as Christ would have you to? It does not work. Oh, believe me I have tried. I have said to myself and others all the right things..."Yes, I know God created me and He does not create junk. Yes, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, I know that to hate myself is to shake my fist at the God who created me." and on and on and on. Again, knowing in my head and truly believing in my heart that I am a 'delight to God and He rejoices over me with singing'...Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) is another thing altogether. Don't get me wrong there have been times through the years that this has penetrated to my heart and I believed it for a bit...but always before I would fall back into the trap of believing that this truth and many others were for someone else...not me.
Probably you are wondering, did I really hate myself...I mean how? Tammy, "you are sweet, you are friendly, you are such an encouragement, I love your openness", etc... but trust me as I try to explain that while many of your words have been a blessing in the moment, this cloud of depression has been so thick that the words do not make it to my heart (words, whether from you or from God, my Father)...and even the times that I have been on medicine there was still something missing...the medicine never was enough, praying, meditating on the Word, still I was so heavy inside and in such an internal battle. Well, finally the Lord has revealed...I have ADHD.
Of course, I am not your typical ADHD (I never seem to do anything in life the typical, expected way - a gift, I guess ;) which is why it was so hard to see in me especially past the depression. One way that I am not typical is that I do not have a lot of energy, another is I love to read. In fact I am so good at sitting I think it could be an art form! The thing is though, when I sit I am never still. Inside of me is where "all the hyperactivity and attention deficit) is all occurring. Mind boggling to grasp...but oh, so freeing. The ADHD and depression go hand in hand for me...because I have spent so many years trying so hard...and yet feeling so broken and stupid because the things that come so easy to some are so difficult for me.... For example, I have such great ideas sometimes...but I have an intense struggle getting them to practical application, or following through. I would spend weeks in the years homeschooling preparing lesson plans, getting a schedule figured out and then boom, never one time being able to make it work practically. Do you know how maddening it is to not be able to do the same thing 2 days in a row. I have always laughingly said...'well, I am abstract/random...whatever that means! To me it meant I jump from thing to thing, never knowing what might come out of my mouth or what might come up that we could try...flexible. I would often say, "I am so flexible, I might as well be a noodle!" Well flexible when it comes to following a schedule at least...if you needed me I was there...regardless of the stress it might put on us to get school finished...I did not want to miss an adventure. Well, needless to say this put untenable stress on me...plus the pressure to not 'ruin my kids education'. Not to mention that I am incredibly good at distracting myself, even in the middle of a sentence!!!
I mean, I did this to myself...why did I not stop? I could not clearly see how to stop. It is part of how I am wired. I thought I 'should' be able to be all to all...after all I am stubborn and by the way isn't it godly to put others before yourself? Surely, God would want me to be available to others, to help, after all I could do school later, etc... I have discovered to my amazement that I have developed some pretty good coping skills, after all I have still managed to function...to raise three pretty good kids. Yet it is now obvious to me that I was way out of balance, way to hard on myself...and yet I did the best I knew at the time. I cannot look back and regret doing my best...I had a pure heart, a desire to be a godly wife and mom and a determination to be all that I thought that meant. I am thankful God has given me such a hard head because with out it I know I would be even worse off. He has had me in His hand all this time...I was never on my own, though I may have lived like it or felt like it. I know that He has revealed His answers in His time...I trust His timing...and where I don't I am asking Him to help me to trust Him more...to place my eyes on Him more often and less on myself.
I am not broken beyond repair...there is hope for me...yes, I struggle with depression - did you notice the words in the previous post, chronic and recurrent...it keeps coming back...I do not chose it. It just is. Yes, I struggle with ADHD and I am just beginning to understand what that means to me and for me on this Journey His Way. I am incredibly insecure for reasons I am just now beginning to understand...but I am so thankful for that understanding...for the hope that God is providing. But here is the thing...I desire to choose to submit, to surrender fully to God...to His choice of healing for me...not a preconceived idea of what it 'should' look like anymore. If I am to be on medicine for the rest of my life so be it...He has finally brought me to the place that I want all He has for me...no more of this 'fleshing it out my way.' I want Him to use all of me...however He chooses. I know that I will still struggle and I am not at all stating that I won't potentially have dark days...that is just part of life for all of us...clinically depressed or not...what I want though is for this time to be yet another watermark in my life that when I go two steps forward and three steps back I no longer go back as far as I did before...but that I will walk intimately with my Father. Remembering His faithfulness and surrounding myself with people who will remind me when I forget. I trust my Daddy to never let go of me...to love me because He is love...not because of me at all. He does and He will. He cannot lie.
Thank You God, for the clarity You are giving me...help me to not give in to the temptation to be afraid or to do things because I think I should, but to look to You and follow Your lead. I need Your strength to focus on You...I need Your strength to rest in You...I need Your strength to trust You. Thank You that You are willing and able to provide all I need and so much more. You are amazing, God and I am so thankful to be Your daughter...may my life be about You...not just my words.... May those sharing this journey with me bear with me as I walk this way with You and may I extend them that same grace.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
A 'dirty' word...depression
On this Journey His Way, I am discovering that though often times I find myself in situations I would never choose I am more and more thankful to be a Christ Follower and know that He is sovereign. In trying to decide where to begin this story of my journey I find that I must start with the word depression. Although, I am learning that this word does not define me...the effects of it have consumed me for many years. For those of you who know me at all, you know that my heart's desire has been to follow after Christ, to know Him intimately and to live that in front of my husband and my children...you will also know what a struggle it has been and is for me to stay out of the pit of depression. I have recently discovered by the grace of God and help from some of His servants that I have chronic recurrent major depressive disorder and ADHD.
Well, I am not a big proponent of labels but discovering that there is a reason behind this unbelievably tough battle in my life and that it is mainly a physical battle not a spiritual one has set me free. I will share more details at another time. As a believer I had bought the lie I just needed to pray more, read the Word more, seek God more, etc...and I would be healthy emotionally. I had no problem with others taking medicine to help them but I was fully convinced that I was doing something wrong and that I needed to get it together, confess it, have faith and let God work. I have heard many well meaning people over the years tell me their opinions on depression, or expect me to simply get up dust myself off and get busy for God. Well, I am here to tell you, that while God often revealed Himself and I am grateful, He did not remove this thorn of clinical depression. I need medicine in the same way a diabetic needs medicine when their pancreas does not produce enough insulin though mine is hormonal and from the pituitary gland. Some of you already know this, but do you know the difference? If a diabetic's sugar runs in the 400s they will be very ill and possibly hospitalized, but for me to be very ill may mean the inability to participate with others, to get up off my couch, make what should be simple decisions...this is not easily accepted by those who have no understanding of the debilitating nature of clinical depression. If not expected by someone else to just get up and get over it, I have certainly expected it of myself. I have no doubt that my God is a God Who Heals, I just know that for me He has chosen to use medicine to do it to this point. I say all of this for the mere fact that the body of believers, the church, has an expectation that is often very harmful to someone who is struggling in this way.
Depression is not a bad word, nor is it a sin. I may chose to sin while in a depressed state but being sad, or burdened is not in itself sin. I would have argued differently. I fully believed that I was broken beyond being fixed. That I wasn't confessing enough, doing enough, being enough... no matter what...never enough. The despair has taken me to places I never would have thought I would go, nor would I have believed a Christ follower could go. I now state emphatically, that not only can a Christ follower be in the pits of despair and consider ending life on multiple occasions, but I was there with God. He never ever left me...He is faithful, He never gave up on me, though I gave up on myself. Do you see how huge this is? There are so many people I know personally who are trapped in this pit and no I do not think that medicine is the cure all, what I do know is that there is nothing wrong with being honest and saying that I am hurting, that I need help and that if medicine is part of God's answer then I will accept it. Medicine allows my body to have the balance of hormones that I need and then I have a clear mind to see what God has for me. My job is to focus on Christ...to exchange His truth for the lies that I have believed though many are deeply ingrained and certainly 'feel' like truth they are lies nonetheless. I refuse to cower in the corner any longer convinced that my depression defines me...I want to proclaim to others that there is hope and it is found in Christ. He will lead you out of the pit of depression...be willing to get help...and seek it until you find someone who understands. If God chooses to heal You divinely, awesome! If not and He uses medicine, awesome!
God has been revealing to me over and over and over...I am a slow learner ;-) To be still, cease striving, stop fighting...He is God. Psalm 46:10. For me this is an internal striving, a fighting to fix myself...to over think and try. To meet expectations I would never place on someone else, to try to please people. I know the right words to say, or the image to present when inside I am undone. Oh, God show me how to cease striving on a moment by moment basis. To truly trust You with all of me and all that I hold dear.
There is so much more I cannot wait to share but I figure it is enough for now!!! Thank you for your time!
Well, I am not a big proponent of labels but discovering that there is a reason behind this unbelievably tough battle in my life and that it is mainly a physical battle not a spiritual one has set me free. I will share more details at another time. As a believer I had bought the lie I just needed to pray more, read the Word more, seek God more, etc...and I would be healthy emotionally. I had no problem with others taking medicine to help them but I was fully convinced that I was doing something wrong and that I needed to get it together, confess it, have faith and let God work. I have heard many well meaning people over the years tell me their opinions on depression, or expect me to simply get up dust myself off and get busy for God. Well, I am here to tell you, that while God often revealed Himself and I am grateful, He did not remove this thorn of clinical depression. I need medicine in the same way a diabetic needs medicine when their pancreas does not produce enough insulin though mine is hormonal and from the pituitary gland. Some of you already know this, but do you know the difference? If a diabetic's sugar runs in the 400s they will be very ill and possibly hospitalized, but for me to be very ill may mean the inability to participate with others, to get up off my couch, make what should be simple decisions...this is not easily accepted by those who have no understanding of the debilitating nature of clinical depression. If not expected by someone else to just get up and get over it, I have certainly expected it of myself. I have no doubt that my God is a God Who Heals, I just know that for me He has chosen to use medicine to do it to this point. I say all of this for the mere fact that the body of believers, the church, has an expectation that is often very harmful to someone who is struggling in this way.
Depression is not a bad word, nor is it a sin. I may chose to sin while in a depressed state but being sad, or burdened is not in itself sin. I would have argued differently. I fully believed that I was broken beyond being fixed. That I wasn't confessing enough, doing enough, being enough... no matter what...never enough. The despair has taken me to places I never would have thought I would go, nor would I have believed a Christ follower could go. I now state emphatically, that not only can a Christ follower be in the pits of despair and consider ending life on multiple occasions, but I was there with God. He never ever left me...He is faithful, He never gave up on me, though I gave up on myself. Do you see how huge this is? There are so many people I know personally who are trapped in this pit and no I do not think that medicine is the cure all, what I do know is that there is nothing wrong with being honest and saying that I am hurting, that I need help and that if medicine is part of God's answer then I will accept it. Medicine allows my body to have the balance of hormones that I need and then I have a clear mind to see what God has for me. My job is to focus on Christ...to exchange His truth for the lies that I have believed though many are deeply ingrained and certainly 'feel' like truth they are lies nonetheless. I refuse to cower in the corner any longer convinced that my depression defines me...I want to proclaim to others that there is hope and it is found in Christ. He will lead you out of the pit of depression...be willing to get help...and seek it until you find someone who understands. If God chooses to heal You divinely, awesome! If not and He uses medicine, awesome!
God has been revealing to me over and over and over...I am a slow learner ;-) To be still, cease striving, stop fighting...He is God. Psalm 46:10. For me this is an internal striving, a fighting to fix myself...to over think and try. To meet expectations I would never place on someone else, to try to please people. I know the right words to say, or the image to present when inside I am undone. Oh, God show me how to cease striving on a moment by moment basis. To truly trust You with all of me and all that I hold dear.
There is so much more I cannot wait to share but I figure it is enough for now!!! Thank you for your time!
A beginning
Father God, as I begin blogging may I point to You. I want this to be another part of walking this journey of life Your way. I need Your wisdom, strength and direction to say and do what will bring You glory and that will clearly show that though I am so flawed You love me with an everlasting love and You are my Daddy. May those who visit with me here sense Your presence and find hope in the midst of their struggle. You are the only One who can bring hope! Thank You, Father, for never giving up on me, though I have pushed You to every limit that I could...You are limitless. Your love is truly unconditional and beyond that You delight in me. I am Your little girl. Thank You that this life is not about me but about Your Son, Jesus. Thank You for the truth of Your Word. Thank You that nothing can separate me from Your love. (Romans 8:38-39). Thank You that You are about to do a new thing in and through me! You are making a way in my wilderness and rivers in my desert. (Isaiah 43:19). Thank You, Lord! May I submit moment by moment to You and may You reveal Yourself to me and to those who take this journey along with me...may we chose to Journey Your Way. It's all because of Jesus.
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