The Battle of WAIT

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1)  To everything there is a season, A time from every purpose under heaven:
2)  A time to be born.  And a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 
3)  A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down.  And a time to build up; 
4)  A time to weep, and a time to laugh;  A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 
5)  A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones  A time to embrace, and a time to refrain 
         from embracing. 
6)  A time to gain, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
7)  A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 
8)  A time to love, and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace.    

I have been thinking a lot about seasons and purpose and I must admit that some seasons are easier to walk through than others.  I have mentioned this before and it seems to be a constant refrain for me, but I am in a season called, WAIT.  

WAIT:  STAY (PUT), REMAIN, REST, STOP, HALT, PAUSE, LINGER.

I find that I am not a very good 'wait-er.'  To be.  I am struggling here greatly.  I am recognizing that I am and have been a do-er not a be-er or a wait-er.  Now to be a do-er is not wrong as long as I am doing according to what God is leading and doing it with all my strength for Him.

God is reminding me that my job is to 'know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor -- it is the gift of God.'  (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13)  

I am not content where I am and I am struggling with thankfulness, though I have much to be thankful for.  I do not know what God is trying to teach me other than TRUST IN HIM and WAIT ON HIM.  I need to be thankful, I want to be thankful but deep inside I hurt and I wonder and therefore I am not very thankful, not really.  I compare myself to what I have been and where and I find that while knowing I should not do this I do it and this then breed discontent and a struggle to wait.  I know the answers and I know the should(s) but I am having a hard time applying them.

Psalm 25:4-5
4)  Show me Your ways, O LORD; teach me Your paths.  
5)  Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day.  

Psalm 32:8, I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.  

Psalm 119:133, Guide my steps by Your Word, so I will not be overcome by any evil.  

John 8:32, And you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.  

I want to be set free and I want to walk on His path for me and yet I say that and I do not like this path He has me on right now... just saying.  I want more.  I feel like Solomon as he struggled through the question of what matters and what is meaningless.  God is making me face all those things that I pushed aside to get married and raise my kids and now I am back to me...who I am and what is my purpose.  I am just being honest with you about the struggle and is it a struggle that just seems to keep going on and on.

So is studying Ecclesiastes I have found that I must set my mind to rejoicing - to being thankful...moment by moment and even for the 'wait' maybe even especially for the wait.  I don't understand it, I don't like it and I worry about what others think as well; however still I must wait.  This is my battle and this is my season.

Father God, I need Your forgiveness for the lack of thankfulness in my heart.  You have so blessed me and yet rather than be thankful and rejoice in You I dwell on the struggle, forgive me.  Change my heart and bring about lasting change in my attitude.  I understand that You want me to wait, that You want me to be; however truthfully I do not understand what it needs to look like and therefore this is the agony.  Give me eyes to see You and ears to hear.  You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom (Ps. 51:6).  Make me hear joy and gladness again.  (Ps. 51:8)  Lord, please create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me (Ps. 51:10).  God, change my mind and the way that I think.  May I submit to You and rest in You.  I know that I am making 'this' so hard and yet I do not know how to be any other way.  Please God show me Your truth and set me free.  Forgive me for giving in to the cares of this world and worrying over things that You have already handled.  Help me to give up all ideas of 'control' and be willing to really truly know You and Your peace, joy and hope in my daily life.  I am sorry that I can't seem to learn what You are teaching me and I thank You for Your faithfulness to never ever give up on me.  Show me Your ways in the moment by moment and give me Your strength to obey.