Father, may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You. Thank You, LORD, are my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
Disclaimer: I will be wordy...I was just made that way :o)))
Well as I sit here this morning I cannot begin to express how thankful I am to have some enthusiasm for life and an opportunity to be heard! To think that God has given me a voice to share is overwhelming and exciting. Thank you to each of you who have taken your time to read or to comment...I know time is valuable and I appreciate you and your encouragement!
The word journey means a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time. Some synonyms for the word journey are adventure, course, expedition, exploration, passage, roaming, sojourn, quest. These words stir up different emotions in me. This journey called life has not been anything like I thought it would be when I was a young person dreaming of days ahead. In many ways it has been unbelievably better and in others so hard. One of the biggest frustrations for me has been this intense need to get 'it' right. To be perfect...silly, I know...when I write it I can see it...but in fleshing it out I find that the lines are not so clear. I am a romantic. I am an idealist. Or at least I was in my early days...truthfully I have lost myself somewhere on this journey and I am now determined that I am valuable, I am treasured, I am of great worth...to my Father in heaven if to no one else. You see, in the depths of me, I have been more concerned with pleasing others, trying to be all to all, that I have no real idea of who God has made me, Tammy, to be. Thus I have an exciting journey ahead...discovering what He has for me...now that I am ready to submit to the journey His way.
As I mentioned before, discovering that some of the issues I have faced emotionally have a physical root and are not just a product of upbringing or even my own choices has been freeing on so many levels. God has freed me to believe (and I will need prayer to not fall back into old habits) that I am loved unconditionally...because He alone is able to love this way. In my finite mind and through my experiences, love has most often had a string attached. I have found that if we let it 'that string' will choke the very life out of us. Other than my Father, who is gradually convincing me that He is Love, period...I did not know this kind of love until He brought Mark and his parents into my life, a godly love...and since then I have seen this love expressed by several others in ways that reflect God. You have no idea how much this means. I have made it hard for Mark to love me unconditionally because, truly I did not and still struggle with how to accept it. Thankfully God is opening my eyes. This is a big deal...because the Word tells us that we 'love because He first loved us' 1 John 4:19 and 'to love your neighbor as yourself' in Matthew 22:39.
Do you have any idea what it means to hate yourself and yet try desperately to love others as Christ would have you to? It does not work. Oh, believe me I have tried. I have said to myself and others all the right things..."Yes, I know God created me and He does not create junk. Yes, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, I know that to hate myself is to shake my fist at the God who created me." and on and on and on. Again, knowing in my head and truly believing in my heart that I am a 'delight to God and He rejoices over me with singing'...Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) is another thing altogether. Don't get me wrong there have been times through the years that this has penetrated to my heart and I believed it for a bit...but always before I would fall back into the trap of believing that this truth and many others were for someone else...not me.
Probably you are wondering, did I really hate myself...I mean how? Tammy, "you are sweet, you are friendly, you are such an encouragement, I love your openness", etc... but trust me as I try to explain that while many of your words have been a blessing in the moment, this cloud of depression has been so thick that the words do not make it to my heart (words, whether from you or from God, my Father)...and even the times that I have been on medicine there was still something missing...the medicine never was enough, praying, meditating on the Word, still I was so heavy inside and in such an internal battle. Well, finally the Lord has revealed...I have ADHD.
Of course, I am not your typical ADHD (I never seem to do anything in life the typical, expected way - a gift, I guess ;) which is why it was so hard to see in me especially past the depression. One way that I am not typical is that I do not have a lot of energy, another is I love to read. In fact I am so good at sitting I think it could be an art form! The thing is though, when I sit I am never still. Inside of me is where "all the hyperactivity and attention deficit) is all occurring. Mind boggling to grasp...but oh, so freeing. The ADHD and depression go hand in hand for me...because I have spent so many years trying so hard...and yet feeling so broken and stupid because the things that come so easy to some are so difficult for me.... For example, I have such great ideas sometimes...but I have an intense struggle getting them to practical application, or following through. I would spend weeks in the years homeschooling preparing lesson plans, getting a schedule figured out and then boom, never one time being able to make it work practically. Do you know how maddening it is to not be able to do the same thing 2 days in a row. I have always laughingly said...'well, I am abstract/random...whatever that means! To me it meant I jump from thing to thing, never knowing what might come out of my mouth or what might come up that we could try...flexible. I would often say, "I am so flexible, I might as well be a noodle!" Well flexible when it comes to following a schedule at least...if you needed me I was there...regardless of the stress it might put on us to get school finished...I did not want to miss an adventure. Well, needless to say this put untenable stress on me...plus the pressure to not 'ruin my kids education'. Not to mention that I am incredibly good at distracting myself, even in the middle of a sentence!!!
I mean, I did this to myself...why did I not stop? I could not clearly see how to stop. It is part of how I am wired. I thought I 'should' be able to be all to all...after all I am stubborn and by the way isn't it godly to put others before yourself? Surely, God would want me to be available to others, to help, after all I could do school later, etc... I have discovered to my amazement that I have developed some pretty good coping skills, after all I have still managed to function...to raise three pretty good kids. Yet it is now obvious to me that I was way out of balance, way to hard on myself...and yet I did the best I knew at the time. I cannot look back and regret doing my best...I had a pure heart, a desire to be a godly wife and mom and a determination to be all that I thought that meant. I am thankful God has given me such a hard head because with out it I know I would be even worse off. He has had me in His hand all this time...I was never on my own, though I may have lived like it or felt like it. I know that He has revealed His answers in His time...I trust His timing...and where I don't I am asking Him to help me to trust Him more...to place my eyes on Him more often and less on myself.
I am not broken beyond repair...there is hope for me...yes, I struggle with depression - did you notice the words in the previous post, chronic and recurrent...it keeps coming back...I do not chose it. It just is. Yes, I struggle with ADHD and I am just beginning to understand what that means to me and for me on this Journey His Way. I am incredibly insecure for reasons I am just now beginning to understand...but I am so thankful for that understanding...for the hope that God is providing. But here is the thing...I desire to choose to submit, to surrender fully to God...to His choice of healing for me...not a preconceived idea of what it 'should' look like anymore. If I am to be on medicine for the rest of my life so be it...He has finally brought me to the place that I want all He has for me...no more of this 'fleshing it out my way.' I want Him to use all of me...however He chooses. I know that I will still struggle and I am not at all stating that I won't potentially have dark days...that is just part of life for all of us...clinically depressed or not...what I want though is for this time to be yet another watermark in my life that when I go two steps forward and three steps back I no longer go back as far as I did before...but that I will walk intimately with my Father. Remembering His faithfulness and surrounding myself with people who will remind me when I forget. I trust my Daddy to never let go of me...to love me because He is love...not because of me at all. He does and He will. He cannot lie.
Thank You God, for the clarity You are giving me...help me to not give in to the temptation to be afraid or to do things because I think I should, but to look to You and follow Your lead. I need Your strength to focus on You...I need Your strength to rest in You...I need Your strength to trust You. Thank You that You are willing and able to provide all I need and so much more. You are amazing, God and I am so thankful to be Your daughter...may my life be about You...not just my words.... May those sharing this journey with me bear with me as I walk this way with You and may I extend them that same grace.
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