Well today, I have been pretty intensely focused on thinking about strengths and weaknesses in myself. I am in on a healing journey that at times is taking way longer than perhaps I think it should; however God is being so gracious to me to allow me this season of 'rest.' I am not busy about activities as I once was, going in so many different directions that truly I didn't know which way was up. I am now in a season where my kids are practically grown and I no longer homeschool and I realize that it is a time for significant evaluation and surrender.
I am one of those people who lost herself in her 'roles.' I find that I have been extraordinarily blessed by being a wife and a mom; however I have forgotten what it means, or maybe I never did discover, what it means to be Tammy. Just me, the me God created me to be instead I have spent a lifetime trying to be the 'Tammy' that I thought others wanted me to be. I find that is not enough. I want to be the 'me' that God created me to be. The one that He delights in and sings over Zephaniah 3:17. I want to find delight in knowing that I am a Child of God; His daughter and that He loves me and accepts me just because of who He is. I am finding that delight and it is a journey like no other. God is so good!
One of my favorite verses my entire Christian life has been, Psalm 37:4. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I can say that He has done that for me by giving me my dream of being a stay at home wife and mom! I have attempted to delight myself in Him throughout my life, the difference is today it is more out of love for Him than because it is something I thought I should do! I, long ago committed my life to Him and trusted Him (vs.5); however as I have gotten older I realize I had gotten farther away from actually TRUSTING HIM, by that I me fully trusting Him, in thinking that I was responsible for my husband, my children, to be a pastor's wife, to be a friend, etc. and that I was in control. It was subtle and it was under the guise of serving God etc. when literally it was me trying to earn what cannot be earned! What I have already received as a gift from God Himself! Wow, what a lot of effort for stress, pain, depression when I need to be putting my efforts towards resting in Him (internally), trusting that He really is who He says He is rather than constantly trying to figure out that next 'right' thing I am supposed to do. Finally He has my attention! Thank You, God, for answering this prayer I have prayed for years to learn to delight in You in such an amazing way!
Now the title of this blog today is random thoughts because I just feel like sharing. Nothing specific just life and it will be long!
I am finding that Christ is all He says He is! I have known Him for many years but my focus has been on striving to please Him and others rather than resting in the fact that He is pleased with me because of Jesus. I have spent many wasted years stressing myself out, trying to be all that 'I thought' was acceptable, godly and necessary to be loved, liked and known! Foolishness! I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes! I have so far to go, but I am finally more often than not heading in the right direction. I know that I am in a season of healing, trust me there is much to be healed from because I have spent a lifetime stuffing and surviving rather than facing and dealing. God in His infinite wisdom has caused me 'to hit the wall' so to speak on a variety of occasions but finally this time in 'hitting the wall' I would say I finally gave up the desperate control that I thought I had to have. I mean, if you would have asked me I would have told you that I trusted God and that I wanted Him to be in charge of my life, and it would have been true to a certain point, but what was missing as I mentioned before was ABUNDANT LIFE and REAL JOY based on Him rather than on what I did or didn't do. I believe I am finally at a point in my life that I have become desperate enough to be completely honest and say I do not have it all together! I am struggling intensely and I hurt dreadfully! The good news is that in that desperation, struggle and hurt God has met me in ways I could never have imagined! He is like that, you know? Always more than we can ask or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20)
This season is one that while exciting in its growth is frustrating in its consumption of time. You see, I get in a hurry. I forget on a regular basis that I want God to be in control of all of me and I just take off on my own ;-/ Thankfully He doesn't leave me so I cannot get far :-D Are you not so grateful that He loves us like He does! Wow, I am, more than ever before I am getting it! HE LOVES ME, period. BECAUSE HE DOES! I AM HIS CHILD! Lately I have thought a lot about myself as that little blond haired, blue eyed little girl with the big grin (did I mention buck teeth;) who runs full on with abandon into the arms of my Heavenly Father KNOWING, TRUSTING that He will catch me!!! I love this picture. I am not sure if there is anything I loved more than when my children were little and they would run to me and hold up their arms and I would get to hold them with their little arms snuggled tight around my neck! If we love our children like this, the Word says how much more does our Father in heaven love us - and give us good gifts, Matthew 7:11; 1 John 3:1. Think about this!
So back to the timing of healing. My healing is on God's time table and it is in His way. I can already tell you that I much prefer His healing to all the 'band-aiding' I did for so many years. His grace truly is sufficient, 2 Corinthians 12:9. For me stepping out of 'survival' mode has meant that I am truly allowing His grace to be sufficient in my weakness. His power resting on me is better than all the things I have strived for through the years. Does this make any sense? Knowing Him and the power of His resurrection; there is nothing like it, Philippians 3:12. Oh, follow my blog and you will be guaranteed to see the ups and downs, but the difference this time for me is that I am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to live a healthy, vibrant, godly life without all the legalism and religiosity.
Again, I have a long way to go, but you see, God is doing the work so the results are up to Him! They always have been, but I haven't been living like it! I have lived a life of striving, pursuing and while I truly was striving and pursuing to know the Lord I got hung up on the knowing and not the being; the doing not the experiencing. I want to walk with Him! I want to share the difference He is making in my life because He can and will do the same for you! He is the our Redeemer!
I have spent so many years in bondage, thinking that the freedom Christ (Galatians 5:1) talks about must just be for someone else because I did not seem to be able to get it! I mean abundant life? What is that? I have a good life but inside of me I just wasn't good. I was fighting, I was in a battle to get what I thought I wanted, to be accepted, loved, valued, etc. and all along I already had this when Jesus revealed to me that I am a sinner in need of a Savior and He came to live in my life! Instead of fully surrendering, though, I surrendered parts at a time and then took back parts because obviously I could do a much better job than God, (sarcasm intended!). All I know is that getting to what appears to be the end of myself (at least in this area, I pray He continues to empty me), deep into a pit that I thought was just how life had to be regardless of all my desires and efforts has forced me to realize what surrender really is. Now, it is still a process (remember, we aren't complete until we get to heaven, Philippians 3:20; however I am tired of making excuses and living in misery internally because of what it might look like if I get help; if I share my desperation!
All the help in the world, all the talking in the world, all the medicines in the world are not THE ANSWER, (they may be part of the journey, part of the process), but our CHOICE IS WHAT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!!! I can choose to continue living life my way or I can chose to surrender to the One Who Knows Everything! Not much of a choice as far as I can see...CHOOSE HIM! Life, abundant life, joy, peace, hope, forgiveness, love, grace, mercy...as opposed to death, depression, stress, agony, desperation, bitterness, resentment, un-forgiveness, paying the penalty myself! Yep, only one right choice! Get help; whatever you need; but make the choice to surrender to Christ first and follow His lead as you get that help.
Please, if you are living in a pit of despair, stressed and trying to manage life on your own...it does not work! Even if you are already a believer in Christ, saved and sure stop living in bondage; stop trying to fix it on your own. He is the only one who can help. He gives us wonderful people in our lives, resources, doctors etc. but until we choose, until we really deep down, gut level choose transformation and change is only fleeting and it is only a portion of what He really wants to do. Jesus is a gentleman, He does not force Himself on us but He asks, Revelation 3:20. Can you grasp that? He wants to be with you, with me! He wants to live life with us! Trust me, His life is the better choice. If you don't know Him, you really need to! And if you know Him; how about being known by Him and experiencing a more intimate relationship with the One who loves You best and never ever tires of you, never ever leaves you and who actually delights in you!
I want to be who He wants me to be. I want to wait and let Him show me; as hard as that is. I do not want to get busy about 'church,' about 'programs,' about 'stuff' any longer. I want to know Him in the power of His resurrection and walk in His ways and not fulfill the lusts of my flesh! Galatians 5:16
I had better stop and get busy with something else besides words today ;-D
Father God, thank You for who You are! Have Your will and way in us! Get and keep our attention and help us to obey!
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