Psalm 143

1) LORD, hear my prayer. 

In Your faithfulness listen to my plea, 

and in Your righteousness answer me. 

2) Do not bring your servant into judgment, 

for no one alive is righteous in Your sight. 

3) For the enemy has pursued me, crushing me into the ground, 

making me live in darkness like those long dead. 

4) My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay. 

5) I remember the days of old; I meditate on all You have done;

I reflect on the work of Your hands.

6) I spread out my hands to you; I am like a parched land before You. 

7) Answer me quickly, LORD; my spirit fails.  

Don't hide Your face from me, or I will be like those going down to the Pit. 

8) Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. 

Reveal to me the way I should go because I long for You. 

9) Rescue me from my enemies, LORD; I come to You for protection.

10) Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God.

May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground. 

11) Because of Your name, Yahweh, let me live, 

In Your righteousness deliver me from trouble, 

12) and in Your faithful love destroy my enemies. 

Wipe out all those who attack me, for I am Your servant. 

Psalm 143

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I find that this Psalm says it all; however I am stuck.  I have not been able to let go and trust God.  I am still at the beginning and so frustrated to be back here.  I realize that my battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12) and yet I seem to spend more time fighting the wrong things and people and thus sitting in darkness once again.  I haven't been writing because personally I am tired of hearing myself.  I am having trouble accepting God's faithfulness in the face of my sin.  My spirit is weak and my heart is overcome with dismay and I am royally tired of it.  I am tired of coming to God in this state of dismay.  In this state of defeat.  So tired in fact that I am not coming to Him much at all.  I am not doing a good job of remembering His faithfulness in days past or meditating on all He has done.  I find that to spread out my hands before Him takes more energy than I have.  To pray is even more than I can do.  I am thankful that He intercedes for me and that His Holy Spirit takes these groans and translates them into prayer, Romans 8:26.

You know, I am not asking that you understand, I certainly don't, but I am asking for your prayer.  I know that God has brought me this far to help me to step fully into victory in this area; however the battle is more intense than I have ever known.  I know that His Word is true and when I am weak, He is made strong, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, and that His grace truly is sufficient.  I hope taking this Journey His Way with me is not discouraging to You, but it is a real journey for me; therefore it has its ups and downs.  I must share it all.  

God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me, Ps. 51:10.  You know the sin, You know the intense disappointment that I have in myself, You alone know the reasons behind it all.  Help me to trust You fully and get over myself.  Restore the joy of my salvation and give me a willing spirit.  Thank You for friends unexpected.  For understanding when I feel so misunderstood.  Help me to hold my hands up in surrender and surrender my mind, heart and will as well to You and You alone.  Forgive me for focusing on the feelings, on the attitudes, on myself rather than giving it all to You and letting You have it.  Forgive me for thinking I need to punish myself by pulling away from You, by being silent instead of crying out to You.  Father God, I am like a parched land before You and my spirit fails me.  All I know is God, that I need You, period.  Help me to long for You, to have a teachable spirit and a desire to do Your will.  I am Yours, thank You that regardless of my feelings that this is truth because of Your faithfulness, Your forgiveness, because of Who Your are!