Home?...

I woke up this morning thinking about home and all that word means to me.  I love nothing better than to be at home.  An entire day at home to me is a gift.  To come home after a long or short journey thrills me.  Home.  Ideally, to me, home means a place of belonging.  Security.  A haven.  A place of rest.  Acceptance.  Love.  Hope.  Care.  A place to be heard.  Valued.  Connection.  Safety.
The truth of it is though, nothing is ever ideal, is it?  Home can often mean conflict.  Pain.  Responsibility.  Hopelessness.  Disconnect.  A hiding place.  Being misunderstood.  Rejected.  Abandoned.  Restlessness.  Realistically, home probably means something in between both of these extremes to each of us on a given day.  

And yet, in previous days in my life I would find that wherever I went on a journey I allowed myself to feel at home or I would find myself thinking of that place as home.  Do you ever do that?  To go on vacation or a mission trip or whatever and begin to think of the place you are staying as home.  Maybe I am strange, wouldn't be the first time I see things differently ;-)  But really for me, home isn't really a place so much as the contentment of being where God has me at that moment.  Of being with the people whom I love and having the opportunity to meet new people to love.

The fact is this life is hard.  Rarely ideal and yet praise God this is not the end.  Our hope is in Him.  He emphatically told us in John 14:1-3, "Your heart must not be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in Me.  In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not I would have told you.  I am going away to prepare a place for you.  If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also."  I am so glad! Truly I cannot wait to go to heaven to truly be at home with the Lord!  This life is so hard.  And yet is that an excuse to hide?  To back away and not engage with others?  To be afraid of being hurt.  Of having to leave those you love or being left.

Do you ever wonder why you don't feel like you belong?  Why there is a sense of discontent?  Of longing for something more?  2 Corinthians 5:1-2; 6-9, "For we know that if our earthly tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  And, in fact, we groan in this one, longing to put on our house from heaven."  "Therefore, though we are always confident and know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--yet we are confident  and satisfied to be out of the body and at home with the Lord.  Therefore, whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to be pleasing to Him."

I seem to be struggling to get it said today so much is in my mind - sorry.

Because of the depression and the insecurity that the ADHD has fed I have allowed myself to get lost in my home.  To hide there, to not so much allow it to be a haven but a place where I do not have to work so hard to be what I thought others needed or wanted me to be.  To avoid life.  To no longer allow myself to feel at home wherever He has me.  Does this make sense to anyone?  I do 'groan,' I 'long' to be set free from this earthly tent the more I come to see Who Jesus is, but the fact is sometimes I just want to get to heaven to get away front the struggles of this life.  Not exactly a very 'spiritual' reason, but true.  I am coming to realize though that God has me here for a purpose.  It is not to hide nor is it to avoid the hard things, to stay 'sick' but to determine to be healthy emotionally and be used by Him however He chooses.    It is to 'make it our aim to be pleasing to Him.'

John 15:23, "Jesus answered, 'If anyone loves Me, he will keep My Word.  My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."  To know that Jesus in me means HOME.  All those good feelings of peace, contentment, joy, belonging, etc...they can really never be found in a place here on earth or in a person but only experienced on the inside with Jesus as our home.  As we recognize that "where our treasure is, there our heart will be also."  Matthew 6:21.  Am I collecting for myself 'treasures in heaven?' or am I so concerned with this life, with how I feel that I am missing the real treasure?  I guess what I am asking is "Where is your heart, your home?  Where is mine?"  Ultimately it is with Jesus, both now and forever.

I had lost sight of that fact.  Allowed myself to withdraw, to disengage and I am saddened by it. To forget that I am at home wherever Christ has me because He is there with me and He is what makes home, home.  I have let fear rule and concern over what others think of me or at least my perception of what people think of me control my sense of belonging.  I have been afraid to really be 'at home' anywhere other than in the literal walls of my home.  Afraid to step out and really engage with people, because after all they might leave or I might have to.  To hold back in giving and receiving love because I might disappoint someone or be rejected by them.  To work so hard at giving my children a healthy, godly home that I have lost sight of what home needs to be for me.  I have been rediscovering that in Christ alone I can have that security.  Truly learning it, although very slowly.   That I do not have to hide in fear or withdraw because pain may come eventually, but that I can trust Him even in the midst of pain.  After all, hiding in my home did not decrease the pain it only isolated me from others who may have understood.  Hiding has keep me from allowing God to use the pain for His glory.  Forgive me, God!

I need your prayers.  I want to reengage in life as God would have me to.  I do not just want to be busy at life or gathering treasures that will be destroyed.  I want to be.  To really learn to be still and know that He is God.  To cease striving, to stop fighting.  (Psalm 46:10).  To know Him and be known by Him.  To point to Him and bring Him glory.  To be confident in who He has made me to be and that He is for me.  And yet I am in a battle.  An intense battle that says...you have been hurt before.  You don't really want to share life that intensely, I mean what will people think.  That says, who do you think you are that others would want to be with you or hear your opinions.  You just need to be quiet.  You are way too wordy, to detailed.  Your mouth gets ahead of your brain and you look stupid.  And on and on.  Lies from the enemy but oh, so believable sometimes.

Father God, may I look to You alone for security, for a sense of worth and belonging.  Forgive me for my tendency to focus so intently upon myself and my feelings.  May I look to You and the truth of Your Word.  May I learn to hid Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You.  Psalm 119:11. I pray You would take these ramblings and make sense of them for someone today.  May we each realize our value to You and truly accept that You love us - that Your plans are good for us, regardless of what we think we know or see.  I ask for Your wisdom and Your guidance to step out and do whatever it is You have for me.  May I be able to clearly hear Your voice and obey.  May I renew my mind with Your Word and take every thought captive.  To no longer live in a place dominated by sadness, a heaviness, and regret but trust that You have me right where You want me and that You are at work at all times.  The fact is that in the midst of that sadness, the heaviness You have always been and are right there drawing me to Yourself and while I may get discouraged or even feel defeated the truth of the matter is that You are victorious and You are in control.  Thank You that You give me the strength to do this journey your way.