Trust to rest

REST
Restore, redeem, renew, rescue, reserve, retain, reside
Encourage, embrace, enjoy, enter, entrust, equip, establish
Strength, salvation, sacrifice, share, sense, stillness, serve
Trust, truth, teach, testify, time, transform

TRUST
Total, time, thankful, thirsty, trial, today
Recommit, reassure, reach, reveal, repent, release, receive
Understanding, unquenchable, unsearchable
Safe, secure, still, saved, sealed, sanctified
Total, temple, take, touch, triumph, transform

So I like words.  Seems like I am kind of playing around with them today.  I am tired.  You know, inside, deep inside.  I do not get the concept of rest very well.  I am agonizing, trying, and then trying not to try!  Does this make any sense to anyone but me???  I realize I overthink things, but how do you stop when this is how you are wired.  I am not so deep, just so stuck.

God in His graciousness is giving me the opportunity and privilege to 'flesh' this issue among others out in front of you.  Why?  I'm not sure, I mean I feel pretty vulnerable and yet I am having a blast most of the time.  Weird, huh?  A blast sharing my heart, having a voice, not necessarily a blast being so 'out there' so to speak.  The enemy is fighting this enjoyment, raising guilt, reminding me that I am nothing special and why do I think I should share and be heard.  I am no different than anyone else and let's not forget that apparently I am more 'broken' than most, certainly more open about it so what gives me the right to share my journey?  God has given me the opportunity, therefore I share.

I certainly do not want to present myself as someone who has this deep walk with God, who has it together, obviously not, I mean just read past blogs or keep reading.  One thing I do know is that God is showing me His ways.  He is changing me.  It is a journey toward intimacy with Him.  He is all that matters.  When I surrender and seek Him, He reveals Himself.  I can follow Him and learn to rest.  Man, it's hard!  I get in my own way more often than not!  I do not want to become prideful in my enthusiasm for sharing.  I want to point to Him!  I am realizing more and more that I am nothing without Christ!  And yet, I am beyond valuable to Him.  His princess, His treasure.  I have never seen myself as a princess, not really.  I mean but look I am a daughter of the KING OF KINGS!  That means princess!!! Wow!  It is because of Him that I have value, that I have worth.  I can either learn to rest in Him and trust Him more fully each day or I can continue in exhaustion and turmoil.   It seems like every time I find rest and peace in Him I turn around, someone says or does something, or I do myself and then I am in turmoil all over again.  I figure the more I practice His rest and deliberately choosing to trust Him, the better I am going to get at experiencing His rest and peace.

When I think of rest, of what I think God is showing me, I get to the word TRUST.  I struggle a great deal with trust.  I tend to try to take care of myself.  I tend to not believe what people say to me.  I often think they are patronizing me or that they wish I would just get it said and move on.  I want to learn to believe and trust, to take people at their word. To stop overthinking and analyzing, questioning, worrying but rest.  However,  I think that in order to find rest, I must learn to trust God first.  Lose my concern over what others think and look to Him.  Thus the Journey His Way.

I know I am intense, I know I am too serious, I know I can be too detailed.  I know.  I get on my own nerves, believe me.  What I am learning though, is that God doesn't get tired of me.  He likes me.  He created me and finally I am to the place that I want to be the 'Tammy' He created me to be instead of trying to fit a mold or even what I think people expect of me.  Perhaps I am behind and most of you did this when you were young, but I find that I have lost sight of who God made me to be for trying so hard to be what I thought I needed to be.  Trying so hard to please Him, when all my 'righteous acts are as filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6)  I mean, I know Romans 3:10 says 'There is no one righteous, not even one.'  Still yet, I have fallen into the trap of trying to do more, be more etc... Perfectionist for sure.  I didn't expect it from you, but I certainly have from me!  I would not have stated it so boldly but it is how I have lived within myself.  Always striving to please, to be perfect, knowing full well that Jesus is the only one who is perfect and yet still expecting more of myself than I could give.  This is why I am bone weary.

I have had an ideal of what I thought a 'godly wife', a 'godly mom', wait a 'godly homeschool mom', a 'godly staff wife' a 'godly daughter', a 'godly daughter-in-law', a 'godly friend' and on and on and on should be.  I have read a ton of books, listened to tons of sermons, done this, that and the other thing convinced that I had to somehow measure up.  Foolishness.  Ridiculous.  But true nonetheless.  I have worn myself down to a frazzle internally trying to be all that I thought was necessary.  Necessary to please God, to please others, to please myself.  When I type it is obvious, but living it hasn't been so obvious.  It hasn't worked!  It doesn't work!  Get out of the trap!

God in His infinite patience, mercy and grace is getting my attention.  I want to shout it from the mountain tops!!!  Don't fall for it!  Don't believe the lies!  The opinions of others and the things of this world are not what is important.  He is!  His opinion.  His Word.  Him!  I have wasted so much time and energy trying to do, do and do some more.  When He wants me to learn to be.  I guess it hasn't been so much wasted as it has been part of the journey, but I do not want to keep living the same way.  Falling into the same patterns and habits.  I want Him to transform me, I cannot change myself!  Believe me I have tried.  The fact is I don't need to change so much as be willing for Him to do what He wants.  He made me.  He loves me.  He is at work.  I want to be moldable, pliable so that He, as the Potter, can form me into what He wants.  He has a plan.  He is trustworthy.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make Your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6.  

Father God, I pray You would take all of this rambling, this processing, this lack of knowing what to do or how to stop trying to do and teach me to be.  To learn to live in the moment with You.  I know that I know that You are trustworthy, You have shown me over and over again.  Thank You!  I cannot begin to say how grateful I am that You don't tire of me, that You don't turn Your back on me or wish I would just move on.  You love me.  I do not have to figure this out, so much as my mind tells me that I need to.  Help me to take my thoughts captive, to allow You to renew my mind and set my mind on things above.   

Proverbs 3:1 tells me to not forget Your teaching but to keep Your commands in my heart.  
Verse 7 tells me to not be wise in my own eyes but to fear You. 
Verse 8 says that this will bring health to my body and nourishment to my bones.  

I want to be healthy God, I want to be strong in You.  Forgive me for being so concerned with what others think and placing such importance on my own opinions.  For worrying that I will annoy people and that I should just be quiet.  You have given me this voice and it is for You that I write.  It is for Your glory, Your work in me.  Prayerfully, You will use it to encourage someone else that they will realize they are not alone in this journey and that You truly do love them.  You want to meet with them and guide them.  You do!  I know it!  Forgive me for spending so much time wondering if I am doing enough, or should I be doing more, on and on, instead of seeking You and then following Your lead.  Lord, help me to grow in my trust of You and learn to rest in You as well and not to worry about what that looks like to myself or to others.  To stop trying so hard to be pleasing and just learn to be.  May I be still on the inside and enjoy this journey You have me on.  I need You.  Keep my attention and when I get distracted help me to focus on You once again.