Yep, Psalm 62, again

Psalm  62  (HCSB)

1)  I am at rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  

2)  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold;  I will never be shaken.

3)  How long will you threaten a man?  Will all of you attack as if he were a leaning wall or at tottering stone fence?

4)  They only plan to bring him down from his high position.  They take pleasure in lying; they bless with their mouths, but they curse inwardly.

5)  Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him.

6)  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken.  

7)  My salvation and glory depend on God; my strong rock, my refuge, is in God. 

8)  Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him.  God is our refuge. 

9)  Men are only a vapor; exalted men, an illusion.  On a balance scale, they go up; together they weigh less than a vapor.  

10)  Place no trust in oppression, or false hope in robbery.  If wealth increases, 

pay no attention to it.

11)  God has spoken once; I have heard this twice:  strength belongs to God, and faithful love belongs to You, LORD.  For You repay each according to his works.  

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Yes, I am aware that I already wrote a blog on Psalm 62 ;)  Yesterday, my pastor preached on Psalm 62 and this morning the Lord is telling me to revisit Psalm 62.  Apparently, I need to get it.  I know I do.  I am struggling this morning.  There are situations that the enemy is trying to use to steal, kill and destroy me and I have the choice to Trust God, to Rest in Him, to Pour out my heart to Him, etc...  So here with you today, I declare my choice.  To place my Trust in God.  To run to Him as my refuge.  

I, like you, hurt.  

I, like you, struggle against my flesh.  

I, like you, have a choice.  

I am struggling to make that choice this morning.  I am afraid.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  Extenuating circumstances, people who are deliberate in their apparent desire to continue the neglect, the abuse, the pain.  I do not want to reciprocate and be like them; therefore the struggle lies in seeking health for myself emotionally or continuing to place myself in the path of their own apparent unwillingness to seek help for themselves.  I have tried to be a help.  I have tried to always be there.  I find that I am no longer able.  I find that God says that He is the place where I can hide.  That He loves me so much that He is willing to care for me, even if those who should, do not - whether maliciously or just because they are not capable because they need help themselves.  That is between Him and them and I must allow Him to work and quit trying to help. 

I find a great kinship with David this morning.  This Psalm was written during a rough patch David was experiencing some from his own sin...choices to stay behind from the battle, to look when he should have fled, to take what wasn't his, to try to hide his sin and get all he wanted by killing Uriah, to then begin another marriage, lose a baby.  And some from the sins of others...His son, Absalom, in his greed, in his own strength trying to steal David's kingdom from him while he was distracted by his sin and the mess of his own life.   Look at his confession in Psalm 51.  God make this mine as well. 

With David, though my depression has not been sin, some of my responses in it certainly have been.  I have often rejected God's lead by trying to figure things out on my own.  I continually tried to help and do things in my own strength.  At this point, God has begun to heal me, to open my eyes to all that He has for me.  Therefore the enemy of my soul is hard at work.  Trying once again to get me to allow my feelings of guilt, condemnation, fear, worry, 'should I do this or do that' be in control.  I am still struggling with wanting to do things in my own strength, to give in to my fears.  To be unforgiving, to be angry.  To sit in the hurt.  Because like, David, though it was his son, for me it is my parents who are the source of the hurt, it is family.  The one's you think you can count on to love you, to be with through anything.  God is the only one we can always count on!  I am placing my parents out there, for prayer.  I need your prayer as well.  To know what God wants from me, not my own opinion, nor anyone else's.  To know that I am worth being taken care of and that that is not selfish, or wrong.  And yet to do this with the right heart and attitude is so hard.  To have healthy boundaries and yet not be hardened.  All I know is that I want to be on this Journey His Way, truly.  

At this time I feel like David, the need to flee.  The need to hide in the refuge that is my God.  I am in desperate need of rest...the rest that can only come from Him.  I will declare that He is my refuge, that I will not be shaken because He is my stronghold.  I have no strength.  I have no more will to fight.  I need internal rest and external peace.  To allow Him to take care of me...to stop trying so hard to take care of others and be all they need me to be.  To be able to be silent and wait.  In verses 1 and 5 the world rest is translated as silence...to wait, be still, be quiet.  I want to lash out, I want to fight. In fact I am rather good at it.  And yet God says it is okay for me to hid in Him.  He will be my rock.  I do not have to fight.  What relief.  

Instead, God tells me to be quiet, to rest, to trust in Him.  This I am not so good at.  I tend to be impatient.  I tend to confront rather than wait.  God is attempting to teach me to wait.  In His graciousness He is answering my prayer for rest by teaching me that He will fight my battles.  My job is to rest.  To be quiet.  To allow Him to be my refuge.  To hide in Him.   To know, truly know, that it is okay to rest, to let Him handle things and people...that this does not make me unkind, unloving, ungodly.  That this choice to wait, to be quiet, to rest means that I am finally trusting Him to handle it all.  ALL.  I am weary of the fight.  I am weary of trying to fix what I cannot fix, be what I cannot be.  God says that is a good place to be.  HE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUSTWORTHY!

God, right now, once again, I chose to place my trust in You.  To rest, to wait, to be silent.  You work.  You lead.  You heal.  You alone.  I chose You to be my Refuge.  My Rock.  I will not be shaken because You are my stronghold.   Strength belongs to You.  Faithful love belongs to You.  Please God, give me internal rest, peace.  I lay my parents in Your hands once again.  I ask You to help them.  I ask You to work in them.  I will trust You, Father.  You alone.  Forgive me for the anger.  Forgive me for the fear.  Forgive me for the desire to stay angry.  Please God give me strength to forgive.  Strength and courage to be silent and rest in You.  To wait for You to work.  Help me to be willing to obey Your lead...to recognize Your voice.   To trust in You alone.