I am in a battle today to apply what I have been saying in my times with the Lord and here with you. Truly I want to, but oh, it hurts so much. I feel the need to 'write my own Psalm' today. A psalm is a sacred song or hymn or prayer. Well, I'm definitely not a song writer but I can pray. The Lord has led me to Psalm 69. I think I will share parts of it with you as well as slog through my own issues. You may want to turn back now...just saying.
Father, my heart is heavy. The opportunity to hurt with others has caused me to be overwhelmed a bit and in that I now find that I am heavy with my own hurts this morning. I come to You with it all. I choose to give it to You, yet You know the giving doesn't mean it is gone. Therein lies the battle. For me God, depression is and has been a way of life, therefore when sadness comes, legitimate sadness, hurt or pain, not just the hormonal lack, I often do not know how to handle it. I want to learn. I want to be real with You and I do not want to pretend anymore. I know in my head this morning that You are in control. That You are trustworthy, but I am struggling with the 'knowing.' I find that Psalm 69 is resonating with my spirit today.
Save me, God, for the water has risen to my neck. I have sunk in deep mud and there is no footing; I have come into deep waters, and a flood sweeps over me. I am weary from crying; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God. Psalm 69:1-3
I don't do sad well, God. In my sadness I usually get angry and deny those feelings that are real. For me anger is an expression of emotion that has always been 'acceptable', whereas, sadness is to be denied or avoided at all costs.
Sad (ness) - affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful; expressive of or characterized by sorrow; causing sorrow.
Depressed - to make sad or gloomy; lower is spirits; deject; dispirit; to lower in force, vigor, activity, etc.; weaken; make dull.
Anger - strong resentment, a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong, grief, trouble. (Also I found it interesting that the word angry can also mean inflamed, as a sore.)
This I know, I must bring my sadness to the Father. I must face it for what it is and no longer deny it or mask it as something else if I want to be healed and/or be able to walk in the victory that He promises. Healing is a process as is most every thing else. Sometimes the scab gets ripped off and it just plain hurts. I can either chose to sit here with the scab ripped off, bleeding and in pain or go to the One Who Heals for treatment. Ok, so I chose to come to You, Father.
You, Father, know the specifics of the pain I feel. You know the disappointments, the hurts, the betrayal, the abandonment, the sense of guilt that tries to rise up. You alone, understand. You alone, know. Forgive me for trying to figure it out once again. For trying to control myself to the point that I feel that to be sad is wrong. Not true. To feel sad is to feel sad. To be effected by unhappiness. To cry is to release the emotion rather than bottle it up and misuse it. My sadness is valid, it is legitimate and yet it is not all there is. Thank You God! Thank You that I can give this heartache and pain to You. I can trust You to be gentle with me. To love me regardless of what I feel. To speak to me even when I am sad, even when I am struggling not to be anxious about the fact that I am sad. Thank You for allowing me the clarity of mind to be able to express intense sadness and now no longer feel overwhelmed by it. That is You at work in me, no question! Thank You! I can sense Your presence changing me. I am so grateful.
vs. 5, God, You know my foolishness and my guilty acts are not hidden from You... Thank You that You do not reject me. That You love me because of Who You Are.
vs. 8, I have become a stranger... But praise God I am not a stranger to You. To You I am known intimately and I can know You intimately. What hope that brings.
vs. 13, Lord, my prayer to You is for a time of favor; in Your abundant, faithful love, God, answer me with Your sure salvation... I am in Your favor, God, I am so grateful. The pain is still here, the sadness though is being replaced with the joy of knowing the You love me in Your faithfulness and that You have saved me from myself, from my sin and from the things and people in this world that hurt me. Because of Jesus! Thank You, Jesus! To be in Your presence, this is favor.
vs. 14, Rescue me...
vs. 16, Answer me, LORD, for Your faithful love is good; in keeping with Your great compassion, turn to me... As I sit here processing God, You are actively rescuing me...I know it. I sense it. I feel it. The tide of the flood is turning and it is no longer overwhelming me but receding. You are so faithful to answer my cry, Lord. Thank You for teaching me slowly how to truly turn myself over to You. Thank You for Your great compassion. That You would turn to me is overwhelming. I am grateful.
vs. 32b-33, 34, You who seek God, take heart! For the LORD listens to the needy and does not despise His own who are prisoners. Let heaven and earth praise Him...God will save...He will build up...those who love His name will live... I am determined to seek You, God, therefore I will take heart. I know that it is You and Your strength alone with which I am able to seek You. Thank You for allowing me to be needy so that You hear me and do not despise me. Thank You that You are worthy of all praise and that You will save. You have saved me. I am saved. I do not have to live in defeat, hurt and sadness. Yes, I can experience it, I will experience it, but I do not have so sit in it and soak or drown. You are faithful! I am heard. I will praise You!
Right now, I surrender the desire to figure 'it' out, to try to 'fix' it, and try to avoid it. Thank You for allowing me this time this morning to be sad, to cry, to rant and rave, to be hurt and in pain and yet for not allowing me to stay there! I have Your joy, truly. I feel Your hope, truly. I sense Your presence. I know that You are at work and You will work everything out in Your time and I chose this day, this moment to look to You and You alone. You!
Father God, You are mighty to save. You are worthy of praise. You are righteous. You are faithful. You are full of mercy and grace. You are love. You love. You are strong and able. I praise You because You are praise worthy. I praise You because You are sovereign. I praise You because You are all-knowing, all-loving, and ever present. I am never alone. I am never on my own to walk this walk, to live this life. You are there, You are here. You! Thank You for Your provision. Thank You that I do not have to understand. That You have brought forth the ability to trust You, You have shown Yourself trustworthy once again. Thank You, Father! Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Holy Spirit! I will go forth in praise!
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