So it is another day for definitions and confessions, it appears ;-/ Apparently, as I have mentioned before in earlier blogs one of Satan's greatest tactics on me is the depth of depression I experience as well as its recurrence and now being aware of the fact the I have ADHD. I bring this up again not as an excuse, but as an explanation and writing about it appears to be the Lord's way of helping me through it. Between my own flesh and the enemy, I have lost much and on my mind today is the depth of the loss of fellowship in my life. Let me explain. Through the years of dealing with depression and subsequently the ADHD, which I didn't know I had until a few months ago, I have withdrawn further and further back into the shell of myself much like the days when I was a child and I was so shy that I was afraid of my own extended family at gatherings. I see, now, how the Lord in His graciousness had pulled me out of that fearful, shy shell and how by not standing fully on the Truth of His Word I have allowed the enemy to steal some of the ground that God had delivered me from.
Why do I bring this up? I wonder if there are others out there that struggle in a similar fashion? I believe God has called me to be open and transparent about these difficulties that I have in hopes that He will encourage someone else and draw them closer to Him, plus I am praying that He will bring healing to my own emotions as well. He is! It is through the Truth of His Word and by the power of His Holy Spirit that He is working in me! He is the only One who can help us and He is the only One who truly understands! I, for one, am grateful to Him and if sharing this journey helps, then I will. He is truly releasing me to take my Journey His Way rather than to continue on the way I have before. A way that was full of love for the Lord and a desire to serve Him, but one that was also full of knowing the Word but not truly trusting and believing the Truth of His Word. For example, not believing that He loves me, period! I know the verses and I would even say I believed them, but in my heart I still felt that I needed to earn His favor, that I needed to do more and act better, serve more, love better, etc. Thus the growth of insecurity and self-consciousness in my life rather than peace and joy. I just wanted to be accepted for who I am; however in trying so hard, I have lost out on knowing who I am! I have tried so hard to be a godly wife, mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, staff wife, friend and on and on that I have had my eyes on myself rather than on the truth that God is the One who does the work, I need only obey! He is in control, He is in charge and He doesn't need my help! I have missed out on the fact that He made me who I am and that He already accepts me! Completely accepts me! The work is in getting over the lie and the fact that I have not accepted myself for so long that the emotions are often bigger than the Truth in my life. Thank God, He is not leaving me there! He is so good to me!!!
Look at theses words, they are just a sampling of what I struggle with in a big way. For more details refer back to earlier blogs concerning the depression and the ADHD.
insecurity - lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt
self-conscious - conscious of oneself or one's own being
self-doubt - lack of confidence in the reliability of one's own motives, personality, thought
Why am I looking at these words today? Well, here goes, last night Mark and I went to a small group fellowship with our church. Now I am going to get gut level real here so feel free to move on ;-/ First, let me say that we had a great time and the people we got to be with were wonderful! I am the issue, not anyone else.
One big thing the enemy has stolen from me is my ability to fellowship or more accurately my ability to feel comfortable fellowshipping. Now, I love people and I am generally very friendly but in my nature I am more of a loner and I prefer one on one situations to group settings as I tend to get into intense conversations and desire a deep connection with people rather than a surface one. Or I am allowing my mouth to run off with itself and I am obnoxious, due to the fact that I am uncomfortable or nervous in a group. I am constantly analyzing what I say and should I have said it. This is exhausting and ridiculous I know! This morning I was thinking over the evening before. By the time we had driven almost 30 minutes home I was questioning myself and asking Mark if he thought I was unkind in my teasing of one the people at the group? I was teasing out of love and probably nervousness; however as I looked back I began to wonder if I went too far. I felt goofy and very self-conscious and as I said before I got home the insecurity was rolling over me and trying to steal from me what was a very fun and enjoyable evening! Thus, this blog today and the struggle I am having to work through this in my emotions and in my mind. I realize it is kind of pitiful, but it is true and it is me and this is the voice that God has given me so here I am.
I was looking in the Word, thinking about fellowship and God led me to Acts 2:42, They devoted themselves to the apostle's teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. This morning I have realized that I have been devoting myself with new vigor to the Word and to prayer but not to fellowship. It is much easier for me to get into the Word and pray because I do this on my own, the problem for me is in applying the Word. Getting up and going out there and being obedient.
This has been a very difficult and long season for me. A season of intense depression, hurt and realization that I do not know who Tammy is anymore, who God wants me to me or even who He made me to be. A time where I have withdrawn from people in the sense of hanging out or just having fun or allowing myself to connect in new circumstances. I have become way too serious in my desire to be all God has for me, I have tried to do the work rather than trust Him. Some of that comes from having given my entire heart to a church family (the longest I had ever belonged to one church in my life) and then God calling us to move to another one. It was right, it was His timing for us to leave but the grief has been more intense than I could have ever imagined. Also living in the same house and the same area and yet everything else about life changing so dramatically has been hard. I haven't handled it very well. I have withdrawn and decided to only 'care' to a degree, not so deeply that it will hurt so bad should the Lord move us again sometime. It hasn't worked I have only been hurting in a different way. It is never good to try to take matters into our own hands!
Now, lest you feel sorry for me (which is not my intent), God has given me some incredibly close friends that have walked with me on this journey for years and some new friends, all of whom I am extremely grateful and thankful for as we share life deeply and are connected as only the Lord can manage. My point in all of this is that the struggle with trying to get back into fellowship with small groups is tough, it has gotten easier to just take care of myself and my family, albeit much more lonely. I know that this is a season of healing for me, one of rest, of learning to just be. God has been so faithful and gracious to answer my prayers for help with these emotional stressors, to show me how I have been believing the lies of the enemy and to begin to bring about a freedom inside of me that I haven't experienced in years, if ever before to this degree. The issue is that it is a process and while I process well, I don't do patient well ;-) The three steps forward, two steps back approach gets kind of old! Just saying!
God is always stretching me it seems in so many ways and I am thankful (well, I am trying to be:). I will wait for Him, so no, I am not just going to jump back into being busy as before, I am going to continue to focus on Him and submit to Him as He tries to teach me to be still and know that He is God, to cease striving, and to stop fighting (Psalm 46:10). The problem is I have gotten really good at striving, at fighting so that I am back doing it again before I even realize it. I want to follow His lead, to trust Him wholeheartedly and know that I know, even in the trials, that He is at work and that He is not worried if I act a bit goofy or if I get nervous in new circumstances or even at times in old ones, He still loves me and He will not abandon me! How do I know? Because this life is all about Him, who He is and what He has done and is doing! It is not about me at all! Praise God for that!!!
Father God, I pray You can take these confessions, these ramblings and use them for Your glory. Thank You that I am finally grasping that You love me, period! You are not disappointed with me, embarrassed by me or disgusted with me! Help me not to allow myself to feel this way about myself any more. May I take You at Your Word and live a life that is abundant because it is about You rather than about me. I know I am in a process and I truly am grateful for how faithful You are, that You have never given up on me and You never will. Forgive me for giving up on myself, for withdrawing and rejecting so many of the provisions You have given me over the years. I thank You that You can and will use it all for Your glory if I continue to surrender to You. Help me not to give in to the emotions that rise up but counter them with the Truth of Your Word. I thank You that I am experiencing Your Living Word and You are truly setting me free! John 8:31b-32 "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Thank You Jesus! I thank You that though my story may be different from someone else's Your truth is the same for all of us! Thank You for Your sacrifice, Jesus, that I may have life!
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